Dear The Queen,
You maybe wondering why I am using the clunky “Dear The Queen” instead of “Dear Queen” well this is to differentiate your letter from a letter to Freddie Mercury , Brian May and the “other two that no-one remembers their names”, members of one of the greatest rock bands in the world.
A rambling aside:
“You know how at weddings it maybe customary in some circles to toast the queen? At our wedding LordCurd toasted “Queen” the band. A few of the Grandmas disapproved but for the rest of our guests I’m sure “Queen” got a much more rousing cheer than “The Queen” would have done.
Oh and our girls nearly had May as a middle name but with a “Silent Brian”, so we would have had Oddler/Omble Brian May Curd, except they ended up with better middle names instead. Which is a shame but we are hoping for a boy next time- Alfred Mercury Curd will be a brilliant name, although LordCurd is also favouring Alfred Aurelius Bombastos Curd so we shall see”
Sorry Dear “The Queen” I am digressing too much- this is all material for a “Dear Queen” letter but always like to get two for the price of one.
Anyhow onto you. Did you know one of my first ever piece of published writing was about you? Our local paper used to pay £5 per published letter from precocious middle class kids with pushy parents. I cottoned onto this as a lucrative income stream and wrote many letters and had quite a few published. One letter was entitled “Why the monarchy no longer has a place in our society” – I was about 9 at the time. What was funny is that it then spewed a heap of debate on the adults letter pages with some adults angry at how my irresponsible parents had clearly warped me with their republican views (although given my brother is very pro the monarchy that can’t be true). Other readers responding saying “if a nine year old can see how it is- why can’t you”, Brilliant!*
21 years later, despite being of Titled Gentry myself (even if it is only of Lemon Curd), my views are still the same, I don’t think anyone would be in a position of power simply by virtue of their birth although let’s face it you you might be Head of State, but since we live in a democracy, you don’t wield all that much power thankfully.
To be quite honest I am fed up with all this Jubilee nonsense. Obviously a 60 year anniversary of anything is rather nice. (My Grandparents were married for 65 years in the end- you sent them a card for their 50th and 60th and 65th wedding anniversaries. As they rather liked you they were very chuffed-so thanks!) but do we really have to celebrate as a nation? I mean lets face it the government is shit and stuff going on in the world is shit. All they are desperately trying to do is cheer us up a bit to try and distract us from how shit they are and how shit it all is hence trying to make us buy into all the “jubilypmpic” fever. But really couldn’t you just have a quiet celebratory do with your family or something? I won’t be celebrating anything this weekend other than having LordCurd around for 4 days to help out with the kids is rather nice- so I suppose I will grudgingly say thankyou for that.
Anyhow thought I would also write and offer to take your place if you ever needed me too, this may surprise you given my rantings about you- however it’s because I realise I have the arm for it. You see in this weeks Private Eye- there were these pictures:
and when I was 13ish I went on a French Exchange and when I got the pictures back- Look!:
In every picture I am doing the Queen’s wave- Spooky! And given that I am not born nobility (apart from being a Lady but that is obviously an assumed title rather than hereditary so it doesn’t count) , then I totally reckon you should let me stand in for you now and again, it would show you were “one of us”, by letting one of us be one of you. Or something.
Also technically since you probably had to learn that wave whereas I clearly have a natural talent for it, then technically I have considerably more queenlike skillz than yow, and in a QueenOffTM** I would totally win.
In fact I reckon a QueenOffTM is the way forward- we can stick with the whole Monarchy Bullshit only if people who have the best skills for the job become monarchs. We could do a “Monarchy’s got TalentTM ” or “Royalty FactorTM “- that way the tourist revenue streams from having you exist would still be secured but without any of this “by virtue of birth” nonsense.
What dya reckon?
Lots of Love (but no Curtsey)
P.S When I am inevitably awarded an OBE for my services to
spending too long on the internet I will be refusing it. I assume this is why you haven’t awarded it yet.
*P.P.S I have just spent the morning routing through my memory boxes to see if I could find said letter to the local paper but sadly not, but it will be at my Mum’s somewhere- one day I will find it, scan it in and upload it here.
**P.P.P.S LordCurd knows his trademark law- I haven’t asked his legal advice yet but I am totally trademarking QueenOffTM , Monarchy’s got TalentTM ” and “Royalty FactorTM just in case Simon Cowell thinks it is a genius idea and wants to buy the rights from me!