Here we are almost 11 months since you left us, still missing you an awful lot and struggling a bit with my grief.
I don’t think I ever told you this, but the moment you said to me in our sitting room as I was helping you with the fire:
“It doesn’t matter if you are gay, bi or whatever I will always love you”
when I was 15 and working out my sexual identity, was one of the most perfect and brilliant things you ever said or did for me. The complete and total acceptance and loving of me as me was exactly what I needed from you at that time.
It was particularly powerful because you didn’t find it easy to express emotions- in fact that is probably one of the only times I ever remember you telling me you loved me. Also this was alongside Mum’s struggling with it a bit and given she’s a classic “liberal middle class social sciences academic type” and your background was very different and by all accounts somewhat racist and homophobic, I was so surprised that it was you telling me this and not mum.
She still won’t let me forget about “that time you thought you were a lesbian, LadyC”- Sigh.
So Thank you, Thank you for being such a brilliantly and unexpectedly accepting and loving dad. Those words did make such an impact on my life. I’m happy in my identity now- in that I choose not to classify it or worry about it anymore. I’m very happily married to the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m not gay, I’m not bi, I’m not straight, I’m not curious or questioning, I’m just me. Some people may think that a bit queer but I’m okay with that, its what works for me.
Thankyou for not being David Davies.
Love you Dad.