Dear Femfresh

Dear Femfresh,

Have to say initially I laughed out loud reading this response to the facebook backlash to your product via @crazycolours. It took me an embarrasingly long time to realise this was a spoof response penned by the incredibly talented @Hollybrocks. Interesting to note that your Facebook page is currently AWOL.

So yeah even though this poetic response is not real I felt like responding as if it is because it’s either that or work on my job applications, so I am going to pretend to be “Offended of Roman Spa Town” and respond as a disgruntled feminist parent (however in my usual double standard way I am not going to berate for the use of the more offensive terms for the female genitals as I have come to the conclusion I have no problem with slang for body parts, I have a problem when that slang is used to describe things other than female genitals, which in this case it wasn’t.)

Being a “Wannabe Humourless Feminist” (Glosswitch beat me to it), I have decided to take issue with the response as it completely neglects to  address the fact that the product is actually irrelevant and unnecessary for vaginal health as I outlined here yesterday.  But I suppose that would be an even worse marketing campaign than Woo Hoo for your Frou Frou,  to point out that the product is utterly pointless and actually does more harm than good, so I expect that is why the spoofer (@HollyBrocks- brilliant superb amazing job) also omitted that crucial part to the response. (I wonder how Femfresh will actually ultimately respond- so far they have now responded by taking down the Facebook page!)

Being a wannabe humourless feminist mother, I did decide to take exception to part of the rhyme though. “Fuck mums and dads“- as I am a mum and I have written extensively about naming of genitals (here, here, here).  As a mum I have absolutely no problem with the correct scientific terms being used for the female reproductive organs for me and for my daughters. I refuse to euphemise them (although Oddler has euphemised “vulva” into “buddha“, but that’s okay she is only two!).  I think you may find many parents feel like me- a vagina, a vulva, a clitoris, the labia- parts of the body- nothing to be ashamed about and  we probably don’t appreciate being sworn at as part of a collective idea that all mums and dads are uncomfortable with the correct names of the genitals.  Many of us are quite comfortable with these terms, although I appreciate some are not but to be quite honest those parents need to get over themselves. IT IS A VAGINA- 51% of the worlds population has one. But that’s just something I felt the need to point out, as it made me cross, now I have to get my humourless feminist badge right? Please?

I can’t be the only mum in the world calling a vulva a vulva, a vagina a vagina, and a Spade, a diggywoowoo can I?

Yours Sincerely

LadyProudToOwnAVulvaButIDriveACorsaCurd

Dear Ladies with Curd

Dear Ladies with Curd,

Okay so my name inadvertently relates to Candida Albicans so I feel in an excellent position to discuss more about the issue of Ladies and their various curds at differing times of the month.

The reason I am writing this letter to you is because recently there has been a outpouring of rage towards Femfresh and their Woo Hoo for your Froo Froo Campaign.  I particularly liked @Glosswitch’s, @Stavvers @girlonthenet (1&2) @CathyBussey and @allotmentmumresponses. This is also well worth a read about what the male equivalent wash might be!

Rather than repeat the same rants (which I wholeheartedly agree with), I feel a little bit of education is needed about LadyCurd. Well okay okay will stop calling it Curd incase it is putting you off your lemon curd on toast, your vanilla yoghurt, your organic houmous (ladies if the contents of your knickers are like any of the aforementioned foodstuffs then get thee to a doctor).

When trying to decide terminology other than “LadyCurd”,  @other_red helped me with the following brilliant suggestions: “lady liquids”,  ”womanly waters”, “feminine fluids”, (and the especially brilliant late additions of “Cunt Custard” &”Gash Gravy”), all of which I love but think I shall stick with the non-alliterative yet scientific “vaginal fluid” (I could also call it “vaginal discharge” or “vaginal secretions” but personally I prefer vaginal fluid).

Now ladies, vaginal fluid is an entirely normal and natural state of affairs.  The amount and consistency of fluid your vagina (well more technically the cervix) produces will vary dependent on the time of the month. As a very rough guide:

Day 1-7ish Can be Blood as your womb lining is shed (your period), a brownish fluid (tale end of period) or a thicker milky fluid once bleeding has ceased.

Day 8-12ish  maybe dry or clear and watery

Day 13ish-16ish Thick “eggwhite” jelly like – this is a fertile mucus produced by the cervix, it is a sign your body is gearing up to ovulate. The last day you see this mucus is likely to be the day you ovulate.

Day 16ish-24ish often “wetter” at this point of the month- more clear and watery fluid

Day 24ish- 28ish Often a more thicker white slightly milky fluid in the build up to your next period.

Obviously your cycle maybe longer or shorter than this, and you may ovulate earlier or later than this, therefore the types of fluid your body produces may not follow this exact pattern but can help as a guide for what to expect. Remember things like how much exercise you do, how much sex you are having (and if it is using a condom or not), whether you use tampons or not, may affect your vaginal fluid quantity and consistency.

If the fluid your vagina is producing is strong smelling, itchy, yellow or green then this indicates an infection is most likely present and you will need to go to your doctor for treatment.

Common infections include:

Thrush – Candida Albicans- a yeast infection that produces a thick curd like yeasty smelling discharge

Bacteria Vaginosis- An overgrowth of bacteria- Produces fishy smelling greyish discharge.

Trichomonas Vaginalis- A parasitic infection- causing a green frothy foul smelling discharge (I learnt about this one at university- my lecturer used the exact phrase “green frothy foul smelling discharge” it kind of sticks in your head!)

Now why am I telling you all this in relation to Feminine Hygeine Products? CuntCleansers? Your reproductive tract is an amazing self cleansing organ, it naturally has a delicate balance of micro-organisms in it- this is entirely normal and healthy. Washing them away with soaps even ones specially designed for the vagina basically washes all the good bacteria away allowing the more harmful bacteria or yeast organisms to increase.   All your vagina needs is water and a clean hand. Using such products will potentially increase your infections which may make you feel unclean and want to wash more- by using such products you are creating a vicious cycle for yourself.

So ladies- please do the following:

Be aware of what fluids are normal and natural for your vagina, don’t take over the counter treatments for Thrush, Bacterial Vaginosis etc unless you are positive you have it (preferably with confirmation by a swab at the doctors) this is because any treatment- antibiotics or anti-fungals will then again affect the delicate balance of the Vaginal flora and it is not uncommon for women to ping pong between vaginal thrush and bacterial vaginosis as they over treat and use vaginal washes etc.

Wear cotton pants and give your undercarriage a good airing from time to time.

Wipe from front to back to avoid transferring fecal bacteria.

Don’t use vaginal douches.

Don’t use Femfresh, Lactacyd, Vagisil or any other ridiculous product designed for your fanjo.

Do all this and you too can have a “Happy Vagina”, “A Merry MaryLou”, “A Footloose Foof”, “A Gleeful Gash” (With thanks to @other_red for those suggestions!) and that truly is “Woo Hoo for your Frou Foo“. NOTHING ELSE.

Lots of love

LadyNoLongerCurdySinceIFollowedMyOwnAdviceCurd

P.S This post is based from knowledge in my head because being LadyCurd I am dead interested in LadyCurd, but I ain’t a medical professional and this letter does not constitute medical advice. Any concerns about your own LadyCurd Please please see your GP.

P.P.S If you ever read on an internet site that a home remedy for thrush is to insert a garlic clove wrapped in a muslin- for the love of your vagina- DON’T DO IT. All that will happen is you will have a Garlicky Gash for weeks and weeks afterwards. It will be most unpleasant. Not that I am the voice of experience on that one or anything. Ahem.

Not quite what I meant by Normal Fanjo Flora

Dear Cradle Cap

Dear Cradle Cap (or Cradle Crap as I like to call you),

Please stop being so moreishly pickable as I breastfeed Omble. I shall blame you for making me scalp my daughter.

Yours Sincerely,

LadyPicksAtStuffOnHerKidsAsAChimpLikeBondingRitualHonestCurd

Dear SnailTrail

Dear Snail Trail,

Following your silvery lines currently covering my sofa, my knees and my shoulders, I expected to find a small shelled slimy but cute invertebrate creature.

Not my Toddler.

The magic has broken.

Sigh.

Lots of Love

LadyTissueAlternativeCurd

Dear Wisdom

Dear Wisdom,

I keep you in a jar.

Probably time to set you free.

Lots of Love

Trying to be Older and Wiser LadyCurd

xxx

Dear Sweat

Dear Sweat,
Last night you and I got rather well acquainted. Not generally being a fan of exercise means such an experience is a rarity for me.

I had a 24 hour fever thing, I was either sweating buckets and being a sticky uncomfortable mess or I was shivering uncontrollably and trying to keep warm.

It was rather unpleasant but not associated with any other signs of illness so I shall count my blessings on that front.

Anyhow sweat you are a rather clever homeostatic device aintcha (I knows my biology I does). All that water helping to cool my fevered skin down. I can honestly say I don’t think I have ever sweated so much in my life- not even when LordCurd and I forgot the time in that sauna in Budapest.

I had to put a towelling bathrobe on to try and contain the pools. But thankfully this morning it feels like the fever has broken. I feel like an dried out knackered old raisin but I feel vaguely human now too.

Today’s mission- rehydration and rest. Hope the sweating, dehydration and general illness hasn’t affected my breastmilk. Sweat-you are clever but bugger off now for a bit okay, I’ve got a baby to feed.

Sigh.
From
LadyCurd who desperately needs a shower.