After I wrote this letter about how your popularity makes me feel I have decided that I’m leaving you. I loved you once but you changed.
There is no-one else
unless you count my addiction to crap TV, it’s just our relationship isn’t what it used to be, and to be quite honest the sex has gotten terribly dull.
It’s probably you and not me, I just need some space and other cliches.
Maybe one day in the future we can be friends. You can have the kids, I’ll keep Curd Hall. Think that’s a fair deal.
Your former lover
P.S Presses publish on this letter before 12pm on today’s date.