Dear Babies I Lost,
It has been 3years today since my first miscarriage at 10weeks. At the time it felt like my world was ending. Two years later I had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my tube. I wrote about losing you here.
I sometimes think about you babies and what might have been. But both times I was pregnant again within weeks
too fertile for my own good, and had I not lost both of you then my Oddler and Omble wouldn’t exist and I really wouldn’t swap them for anything.
That doesn’t mean had you not been the ones to make it instead I would have loved you any less, but it just makes the pain of losing you easier to bear.
I hope you still exist in the ether somehow (and get your Grandpa to look out for you if he is there too) and that one day you will be born to survive somewhere in the world (not to me though sadly apparently we are complete as a family now
but I anticipate an accidental 3rd in about 5years)
You would have been awesome kids.
Dear Last Baby?
I’m not 100% convinced you are the last baby although Lord Curd apparently is.
working on him
You are already 3months old and no longer my tiny floppy headed scrunched up froggy newborn. You have already grown out of some of your clothes although you still feed and wake as constantly as a newborn does which funnily enough is no consolation!
I sometimes find myself wishing we were further along, that you weren’t so dependent on me for food or to get to sleep and then I remember if you are my last, I need to treasure every last sleep deprived ouchy nippled moment with you for I “won’t get that time again”. I must stop wishing your life away!
If you truly are my last baby, I can’t believe I have experienced pregnancy for the last time, I’m weirdly finding myself missing the vomiting, the exhaustion, the insomnia, the very horny dreams,
especially the very horny dreams!. I’m a weirdo who loses weight when pregnant apart from the bump. I have defined cheekbones and glossy hair and perfect glowing skin. (And now at three months post natal my skin has assumed it’s usual greyish tinge and my hair is moulting everywhere- sigh!). When pregnant I can wear dresses – I love wearing dresses but if I do normally everyone asks me when my baby is due (Pesky pot belly)! But erm no-one has babies for vanity reasons do they! (wish the lovely pregnancy hormones were available on prescription, just not the ick ones )
I can’t believe I will never experience birth again, after one horrifically traumatic and one beautiful natural healing experience, I want to try a home water birth- I actually want to experience birth again (something I never ever thought I would say after having Oddler!).
I can’t believe you might be the last baby I will ever breastfeed, when I finish feeding for ever that will be a massive wrench after all that is the one thing I do with you that no-one else shares. It’s incredibly special to me.
But if you really and truly are my last baby then I need to celebrate and enjoy every moment with you for I know that “this too shall pass” and even though I have often contemplated handing mothersucker you over to the Binmen, I actually need to cherish every milestone you reach for this maybe the last time I will experience those things. Even that thought makes me sad.
Don’t grow up too quickly my darling little possibly last baby Omble (but do start sleeping through asap- you know I’m a much better mother when I have had sleep!).
Lots of Love
The thought of none of my babies fitting theses shoes anymore makes me so very sad.
Dear First Time Pregnant Ladies,
I need you to know this statistic. I wish I had known it before I had Oddler.
Approx 50% of first births will end in intervention. 25% of those will be (emergency) C-Section, 25%of them forceps or ventouse.
That means 1/2 may not get the vaginal delivery they have been expecting, planning or hoping for. There are lots of things you can do to try and minimise your chances of intervention but ultimately what happens, happens and it is most important YOU DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR ANY OF IT.
I spent too long blaming myself for Oddlers Birth and subsequent time on NICU with Oxygen Starvation, I wish I had realised sooner it wasn’t my fault, but a set of circumstances combined, which ultimately we have all healed from, and for that I count my blessings.
That’s not to say an assisted delivery will always be a traumatic experience. I know many women who have had very positive assisted deliveries. In my own case although forceps were used (and I had in my head that I would rather a C-section than forceps) ultimately they saved my daughter from being any more oxygen deprived and they had to be used- a C-section could have been so much worse. It wasn’t a pleasant experience but it wasn’t the worst part of the birth, so please don’t be too scared of assisted deliveries, they can save the life of you and your baby.
I wish you a lovely positive birth experience that you will cherish, and I wish you all the very best on your journey into motherhood. However if sadly you don’t have that experience (1 in 10 women will suffer birth trauma, and that could be regardless of whether you have a vaginal or an assisted delivery) I beg you not to blame yourself for it and to seek help if you are struggling with what happened. The Birth Trauma Association and Maternity Matters are excellent sources of support and information. I also kept this blog detailing my journey of healing so that I could go onto confidently have Omble, which was a healing wonderful experience that I would be happy to repeat- maybe a home waterbirth next time (though it was still quite ouchy! )
Lots of labouring love
P.S Always more than happy to talk to women about birth trauma if you wanted/needed. Email me or contact via twitter.