Or knorks, funbags, boobs, dirtypillows, knockers, breasticles, breastie dumplings, Bristols, spaniels ears, fried eggs, ninnies, Jubblies, puppies, Daphne and Celeste, mammaries, melons, wangers, jubblies, love hubs, chesticles, lungs, baps, bangers, hooters, boobies, top bollocks, chest cannons, fun bags, pillows, john beatons, bastards, tittybangs, bath toys, thruppenny bits, Dave, whaloomfers, The girls, whammers, (thanks Twitter for all your assistance with this list- even if some of you are very strange individuals – that was fun!)
but never tits, I utterly loathe the term Tits- it really REALLY gets on my… well you know.
Well I am just writing to you to say how awesome you are. You serve two amazing and distinctly separate functions. You are rather awesomely sexy whatever your shape or size
and you make a very comforting pillow for after plus you can usually MAKE MILK which is a superpower in itself.
I think by now I probably owe my own breasts a devoted fan letter so here are my ponderances:
You have now successfully breastfed two babies despite a breast reduction 11 years ago where 7lb’s of breast tissue was removed
the weight of a flipping baby! and let’s face it thanks to the surgery you have gone from being able to hold 2 beer bottles in your cleavage (which was handy on nights out- I miss that) to never failing the pencil test (previously you could hold a whole pencil case under them ;)) . Whoop!
No-body thought you would be able to breastfeed but it turns out you are as bloody minded as your owner. Your first breastfeeding story was tough and unfortunately although second time around, when it is theoretically supposed to be easier, for you this wasn’t the case. Omble has had the same weight gain issues with the relentless expressing and topping up, plus the agonising shredded nipples, the tongue tie, the clicky crap latch despite the tongue tie snip, the four bouts of mastitis (which you never had with Oddler). But now we are at 12 weeks and suddenly at the pretty much painfree feeding, and although Omble can sometimes be on again off again and tends to sleep on the boob all night long, I think we are finally at the happy point of breastfeeding being lovely and easy and the super special thing that only I can do for her. Hurrah! I loved feeding Oddler til 13months til she self weaned, and hope to continue for longer with Omble dependent on teeth and other circumstances!
So yeah dear breasts it was totally worth the rants and the tears and the pain and the stress.
So breasts thankyou for making that happen, for enabling me to feed my daughters in the biologically normal way, despite the major initial difficulties using you to feed my girls will always be my proudest achievement in life.
Plus you are always lovely for a comforting squeeze, or naughty fumble.
*Gives you a big kiss and a cheeky grope
and checks for lumps because I am a hypocondriac*
Lots of Mammary Love
P.S. I love how both my girls tiny hands clasp on – too cute.