Dear Biting My Tongue,
So it seems I am a bit obsessed with writing letters to tongues and tongue related things. (in fact its my probably my second favourite body part to talk about after nipples). I suspect this makes me some kind of pervert. But nevermind.
Today I need to write to you to complain about this biting issue we have going on. Normally my tongue works fine, I hold it in my head and it is mostly civil, but lately my tolerance for such civility is being tested. I suspect the extreme sleep deprivation means my outwardly nice veneer is starting to slip to expose my hellbitch innards
My tongue has teethmarks and they are starting to hurt. I could vent forth with a tongue lashing to seriously beat down the issues (there are several unconnected ones I am biting down about) until they cower before me, suitably apologetic and chastened, but I suspect that is most probably a very unwise course of action. Plus I have an awesome new professional role where practising biting my tongue is going to come in useful. Sigh. I’d much rather practice the Tongue Lashings (that sounds seven kinds of fun), but for now I shall rise above it all
after all you will always be a ***** (insert suitable term) and I am the better nicer person.
Passively Agressively Yours
Dear Tongue Piercing- Farewell,
I can barely type this through the tears. Me and you have been attached for 12 years now- you have stuck with me through good times and bad, but now it is time for us to live apart, for you are affecting my gums and the dentist is worried. I did exchange the metal you for plastic about 8 years ago to protect my teeth as much as possible but there comes a time were I cannot risk becoming a toothless old hag just because I like wearing you.
I suppose now I am 30, married with two kids, I should grow up and embrace the twinset and pearls (noooooooo!). You and my Tragus piercing are the last remnants of my mispent youth, where I used to have 20 piercings (yes in all those places that you probably shouldn’t).
Of all my piercings you were my favourite- even if you did cause my mum to shout “Victorian Masturbator” at the top of her voice whenever she caught me playing with you to try and get me to stop. (this was because the Victorian Masturbator was always depicted as a tongue lolling fool! Thanks for being so embarrassing mum).
You were my secret piercing (well apart from the other now defunct secret ones ), the one I could get away with in my dayjob working with young people, and the one that would sometimes give me a bit of an edge working with some of the more challenging young people- as with a tongue piercing I was “cool” (despite the distinct lack of coolness in my general attire and general persona!).
Also lets face it- you added a certain frisson when um using your mouth, for like snogging and eating icecream and other fun stuff like that (& am not saying any more than that *blushing furiously*)
So yeah I am really really going to miss you, it is end of an era.
Tongue Lollingly yours
P.S I haven’t taken you out quite yet- might have to make a bit more of an event out of it if you see what I mean.
I am writing with a complaint about a serious design flaw in your ubiquitous and essential product. I have been extremely disappointed by this flaw that has occurred twice now. this is simply unacceptable.
The flaw is “Tongue tie” – where as you very well know the base of the Tongue fixes to the base of the mouth more than it should. This can cause difficulties in feeding and when the time comes- speaking. Annoyingly there are different levels of this flaw the most annoying being the posterior tie as it is the hardest to detect and fix.
Both my daughters had your product complete with the posterior tie fault. The consequences of this fault being inability to breastfeed properly, poor weight gain resulting in bottle top ups and extreme pumping regimes, and completely shredded agonising cracked and bleeding nipples in me their mum.
The only solution to this fault (which incidentally I am appalled your company has made no effort to fix at source) is to get a trained medical professional take a sharp pair of surgical scissors to the offending tie and snip it. Without anaesthetic (if a young enough baby). However finding such a professional and getting it treated within a reasonable time is very difficult and dependent entirely on area. For daughter1 it took 7weeks for daughter2 we were prepared and asked for a check the day she was born – but your company in the meantime has got better at hiding the flaw and she was cleared until 3weeks were it was properly diagnosed as a posterior tie and snipped.
The underhand behaviour of you company with regards to newborn babies is appalling. I am writing to you to demand compensation for all the pain and distress caused by your faulty product, and to ask you sort this out once and for all as too many babies and their mothers are suffering from this fault.
I suspect you lack the means for financial compensation but suspect we can come to a mutually agreeable arrangement in the form of that essential for breastfeeding mothers- cake. A lifetime supply of Jamaican Ginger cake for me &my girls should do it. Otherwise I’m going to the press. And Watchdog.
You have been warned.