Dear Law of the BabySod
I am writing to check if the following articles are correct in your legislature:
Article 1: “sleep when the baby sleeps” is a fallacy for the second you are finally drifting off they WILL wake up.
Article 2: You shall change their nappy. They shall immediately do one of those poomageddons requiring a complete change. And a Bath.
Article 3: Following this complete change, they will then vomit. Most of it will end on you so you will then also need to change.
but you mop off the tiny bit of spew on them as you can’t be arsed to change them again.
Article 4: You will spend 2 hours trying to get them to go the fuck to sleep. This means they have not eaten in two hours and are therefore hungry again – so you have to start the feed, wind, nappy change, try and get to sleep cycle all over again.
Article 5: finally finally after hours of trying- you will get them to sleep. At which point they will do another shit in their sleep. You then have a dilemma on whether or not to change their nappy again
at the minute it’s no dilemma-she stays in it until she next wakes.
Article 6: You have muslins draped all over the house on every surface. There will never ever be one handy within reach when you need one.
Article 7: No matter what you sit down to eat the previously calm and contented baby will start crying. Without fail.
Article 8: Article 7 also applies for trying to have sex with your husband.
Article 9: You shall sit down to feed them. You shall then realise you are hungry/thirsty/need a wee/can’t reach the remote.
Article 10: Whatever it is you want them to do- take a dummy, sleep, stop crying, let up the burp- they will completely and utterly steadfastly resist, only to do it when you have given up trying.
Personally I think these laws are in need of complete overhaul. In fact I might start a petition.
P.S And I today I see Article 11- needs reviewing. You need to go out in 20mins. They decided to take over an hour to feed when normally it takes 20mins. ARGH!