Dear Delia Smith, Re. Your Boiled Egg Recipe
I don’t really cook as LordCurd is a fabulous cook so he tends to do all the cooking in our house. However I just wanted you to know that ever since I was old enough to boil an egg, without fail I have had to look up the “recipe” in your How to Cook – Book One. It is my Boiled Egg Bible.
However unfortunately rather than solving my “how long do I fecking leave them in for!?” it then seems to create more cooking conundrums:
- Do I have large, medium or small eggs?
- They are barn eggs, I now have terrible guilt they are not free range organic ones.
- Are they fresh? How do I tell?
- They were in fridge- do I need to let them get to room temperature? (LordCurd insists on keeping them there- GRR)
- Do I start with a pan of cold water or boiling water? Which is best?
- I think two eggs each will be plenty (well probably too much for toddler but LordCurd might want it when he gets in) but what was that thing my mum said about you can only have two eggs a week unless you are a lorry driver? I had scrambled eggs on monday – what does this mean? And why can lorry drivers have more? I had better ask twitter this.
- I really need to buy an egg timer, that would be a useful thing. Will look at the Lakeland catalogue.
- Where on earth did I put the eggcups?
and so on. So I often then end up rereading your 4 page preamble into the world of eggs just to refresh my knowledge…..
So now we are at least 20 minutes into my attempt at following your recipe to make a very quick and simple meal for my me and my daughter.
In fact let me share with you in detail exactly how my attempt to make boiled eggs for me and my eldest daughter went last night following your recipe:
- Get How to cook book and turn to page 15
- Get eggs out of fridge (and sigh again at LordCurd who won’t keep them at temperature).
- Boil a kettle
- Check whether the recipe says boiled water or not- see option 2 for perfect soft boiled egss is the boiled water one (phew!) so follow that one.
- Put boiling water in a pan on the stove.
- Remove hungry toddler who is in imminent danger of being horribly scalded from the kitchen.
- Realise pan is too big to cover my eggs by the 1/2inch of water your recipe requires and so locate smaller pan and pour the boiling water into that pan.
- Remove toddler again who wants to “help”
- Add eggs gently to water with a spoon as your recipe suggests. Instantly one cracks and bubbles because they were at fridge and not room temperature against your wise advice. Thanks LordCurd.
- Realise I haven’t set the timer.
- Remove now tantruming toddler from the kitchen and try and distract her with Cbeebies while I try and remember- To “Simmer for one minute” so try keep half an eye on the clock.
- Start hunting for the countdown timer on my iPhone so I can time the rest of it PROPERLY and so have perfect soft boiled eggs with a runny yolk. Realise that a minute has probably passed by now so turn off heat.
- Toddler starts yelling because she wants to play on my iPhone.
- Realise recipe requires pan lid- can’t find pan lid for new pan, so use pan lid for the orginal pan that was too big.
- Time is ticking on- finally find the stopwatch on my phone and set it for 5minutes rather than the 7minutes required as reckon about 2 minutes have elapsed since I was supposed to start timing.
- Put the toast on.
- Realise the recipe said take the pan OFF the heat. Take the pan off the heat.
- Locate the very hungry caterpillar egg cup and soldier tray that has never been used and was a newborn present for Oddler (she’s two!)
- Locate the VW campervan egg cup for my eggs
- Butter the toast and cut into soldiers. Realise not enough soldiers for me. Put more toast on.
- Timer goes off, get egg out and put it in egg cup.
- Toaster pops up – get distracted into buttering more soldiers
- Realise have left other eggs in boiling water so are still cooking.
- Take them out.
- Get boiled water dripping all over my lovely hot buttered soldiers.
- Chop the top off my perfect soft boiled eggs that I followed a recipe for.
- Discover they are infact mostly hard boiled with that annoying vaguely liquid bit in middle which is hopeless for dipping.
- Sit down with Toddler to eat them.
- Baby starts screaming
- Toddler refuses to eat anything but the soldiers.
- I eat mine.
- Toddler then wants to eat mine and is cross because I ate mine.
- Toddler is then half tricked into eating the egg white part and utterly rejects the yolk (as I often do too!) so thus rendering the entire sorry business of trying to get the perfect yolk utterly redundant.
And that Dear Delia- is “How to Boil a Fucking Egg” in my house.