I read this tonight where Lauren writes to her daughter post traumatic birth and it inspired me to write my own.
I do worry how you might feel if you ever read my ChildbirthPTSDandMe blog (and um this one but that’s a letter to both girls for another time!). One day you will know your birth wasn’t easy and that you were very poorly when you were first born. You will only have to look at the first newborn photos of you to know this.
I do wonder how much we should tell you about your HIE grade 1 diagnosis and MRI result (Evidence of hypoxic event) because YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE. You are the brightest, sparky, funny most hilarious toddler I have ever met. I know I maybe biased but others have said similar things so I can’t be that biased! I genuinely don’t know how you will feel if you find out that your brain was affected during your birth, I don’t know if we should tell you or leave it but then one day you might find out by reading the blog or something, plus you know how utterly useless I am at lying or skirting around the truth.
Thing is you aren’t brain damaged at all (and for that we can count our blessings everyday), the MRI showed evidence of a “neuro-cortical event consistent with hypoxic injury” but there was no evidence of proper permanent damage to your brain. We were offered to have your MRI repeated but you were meeting all your milestones and it was such a traumatic procedure for you first time that we decided your brain was totally ace just as it was. It really is- you are such a bright clever little thing learning new words and sentences every day, if anything your start in life confirms what a total little genius you are. You overcame it all to still be able to give me a round of applause when I have a wee and inform me “well done mummy well done” and then later bring me half a roll of scrunched up bog roll and try and convince me innocently “It fell out, mummy, it fell out, Oh dear! It fell out!” Hmm!? You make me laugh every single day and I wouldn’t change a thing about you (well okay I would like the biting and pinching to stop but we are working on that!).
I don’t know how you will feel knowing how your birth made me feel afterwards (even though I am totally and utterly fine now promise!) and to be honest I probably won’t go into too much detail about the PTSD with you, but if you ever do actually read the blog you must NEVER EVER EVER feel any guilt for what happened. Not ever. I hope you know how much I adore you and how I wouldn’t swap you for anything in the world and the experience made me me, and you you and sod it we are fecking awesome (but I didn’t swear because I am your mother and a good role model. Ahem) so yeah- I love you little Omble Curd- you have brought so so much joy and happiness into our lives, and I would go through it all again for you and then some. You keep rocking on little girl.
P.S You know how mummy overthinks sometimes, well I initially wrote “all my love”, but then that wasn’t right as I love you equally with your sister and LordCurd, but lot’s of love didn’t seem enough somehow. Infinite love is about the right balance I reckon. Love you.
P.P.S I also want you to be proud that our story has helped many other people in the same position. I wrote this post to reassure other frantic googling parents and it is still one of the most popular posts on that blog and “HIE Grade One” is still one of the most common search terms. So we can both be proud how we helped people. 😀