Dear Perfect Man


Dear Perfect Man,

So @Alexwintermute just tweeted me this link from with definitive and ground breaking research into you *sarcastic voice*. So Am just going to check how Lord Curd scores….

Apparently, you are…

  1. Six feet tall- check
  2. Muscly, toned and athletic- um he cycles alot so lets say yeah
  3. Brown eyes– Hazel
  4. Short dark hair- Ginger big floppy hair
  5. Smart dress sense– he wears a bowler hat, braces and a bow tie- you can’t get smarter
  6. A beer / lager drinker- Is Ale one of these? I don’t know will say yes.
  7. Non-smoker- Yup
  8. Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper – See number 5, tends to wear brown  jackets, hoody and jeans on non work days
  9. Gets ready in 17 minutes- Probably longer as Oddler slows him down alot
  10. Stylish- I’d say so
  11. Wants a family- has a family. May regret that now!
  12. Earns £48,000 a year- give or take several thousand
  13. Loves shopping- NOOOOOOOOOO
  14. Eats meat- Yes
  15. Clean shaven- Yes
  16. Smooth chest-Yes but not too smooth- he doesn’t wax it or anything weird.
  17. Watches soaps- NOOOOOOOO
  18. Enjoys watching football- Not really, maybe if Yeovil Town are playing once a year.
  19. Drives an Audi- he hates driving and has an irrational hatred of Audi’s
  20. Educated to degree level- Yus
  21. Earns more than his other half- Do women really want that?  But yes he does at mo thanks to mat leave, and the bullcrap public sector vs, private sector payscales. Bah!
  22. Jokes around and has a laugh- Definitely.
  23. Sensitive when his wife/girlfirend is upset- Definitely
  24. Says ‘I love you’ only when he means it- Yus
  25. Admits it when he looks at other women- Yus- has a thing for Scarlett Johannsen. I look fuck all like Scarlett Johannsen
  26. Holds a driving licence-Yes- hates driving though
  27. Can swim-Yes- hates swimming though.
  28. Can ride a bike- yes loves it.
  29. Can change a tyre- Yes on a bike, prob no on a car.
  30. Rings mum regularly- Nope I do instead!

So turns out my perfect man only scores 21 out of 30. Oh dear. It’s a good job I don’t listen to these bullshit surveys and just get on with being in love with the mostly perfect man for imperfect me, rather than trying to find “the perfect man” because to be quite honest I don’t think you exist, and anyhow 30/30 guy sounds a bit of a knobber tbh.  Shirt and a v-necked jumper and an audi indeed!

Lots of Love

LadySmugFaceYouWannaSmackIfSingleSoI’mSorryCurd

P.S LordCurd just popped his head round door and is ordering pizza for tea- now that is perfect.

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3 responses to “Dear Perfect Man

  1. Lord Curd sounds suspiciously like The Husband, right down to the offer of a takeaway tea, however much as he loves the idea of a bow tie he’s not brave enough to wear one!

    • Hah Oh god have we married a bigamist!? Was he with you until 4pm today 😉

      Yeah sometimes I cringe a smidge at the bowtie but he does look awfully cute in it

  2. haha, yes, a knobber indeed!

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