Dear Future Hosts

Dear Future Hosts,

This weekend I have a houseguest, the lovely @MissMolecules. Before I go and stay with her she needs to learn what a freak I am about food so she doesn’t break any of the rules. My other closest friends and husband have spent years memorising these rules mostly by trial and error so I thought it would be useful to document them here so I can email it to all future hosts and never be invited anywhere ever again.

Tomato ketchup can only ever be on the side of the plate and only ever for chips, smileys, potato croquettes, waffles and other synethic potato products. Must never ever ever be used for mashed, boiled or baked potatoes ever.

Sausage baps must have ketchup, bacon baps must never have ketchup.

Fried eggs can never ever touch tomato ketchup or beans same bridge with other safe foods must be built.

If you have baked beans with something they must never ever touch anything potatoey, in fact a bridge needs to be built with other food such as sausages.

However there is an exception to this potato tomato bean juice rule that I have recently added- baked potatoes must have cheese and beans.

If you have a roast dinner then gravy can go over potatoes and meat but must never go over any veg (to be fair my best friend will only have raw veg eg. Cauliflower in a side bowl with her roasts so I’m not that bad!)

If I have a hot drink I can only drink it if there is a spoon in it, I like to say its the adrenalin of possibly having my eye poked out which adds a zest to my dull life but actually it’s because I hate my drink getting sweeter as I reach the bottom.

Thankfully the lovely LordCurd has memorised all of these- I asked him if I had missed any off he said “vegetables touching anything, ever, including the plate” he may have a point!

Having read this I’m sure you have concluded three things: a) I am a strange individual
b) I am a pain in the arse guest
c) I have the diet of an unhealthy child

You are correct all counts.

But invite me anyway, I can more than make up for my faddy ways by my plethora of dirty anecdotes, or something.

Lots of love



4 responses to “Dear Future Hosts

  1. I have a friend I have known for some time who zones her food into different food types. For a roast there will be a seperate zone for gravy this then becomes the mixing zone!

    I love beans and toast but don’t ever give me beans on toast. Toast should be toasty not all soggy because some numpty has put beans on it. Same with any kinds of egg and toast.

  2. inagainoutagain

    If and when I invite you to ours you may possibly suffer from serious and deathly beans &/or ketchup withdrawal. I have found a source of baked beans in the area but they don’t always have them. And you’ll have to bring your own proper English teabags as in France they’re just a bit wierd. Added to that the idea of tacking an entire artichoke and highly stinky cheese and you might have to fill your suitcase up with Heinz products for your stay. I can put a spoon in your cup though. Love, Lady (French) Mustard

    • The spoon in the cup is most crucial. Can’t beat a bit of fresh french bread and brie or camembert so I am sure I will survive. *books tickets*

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