Dear Noreen The Nit,
Or Pediculus Humanus Capitis to give you your rightful name (but I prefer Noreen), you are currently infesting my hair, I don’t blame you, my hair is lovely and so is my toddlers. I know how you love children’s hair especially, and with her being at nursery we are obviously your perfect hostesses. I had been pondering if you had taken up residence for a few days and bought a nit comb and treatment yesterday but combing my hair and Oddler’s yesterday yielded nothing.
You are clever squatters, good at hiding but causing itchy harm and whilst idly combing my hair, waiting for the kettle to boil, I struck lucky.
I’m sorry I have just forcibly evicted you from my head and shortly I will be carrying out chemical warfare against your race to destroy your civilisation in my families hair. I’m kind of sorry I have to do this (apart from the fact you are itchy and annoying parasites), you see I studied you in great detail at university and I think you are awesome creatures, evolving so your claw and opposable “thumb” are the exact diameter of a human hair (and likewise your close relatives Pediculus Humanus Humanus (Body Louse), and very distantly related Pthithuris Pubis (Pubic Louse) have their pincing structures to be specific to their hair type. (although pubic lice can also live in eyelashes apparently but obviously I have no idea how they get there as they can’t jump. 😉 )
Anyhow I am not embarrassed in the slightest to have you. It doesn’t make me a dirty unclean person, I’m just a human in contact with kids. Soon you will be gone and stop feasting on my scalp and all will be fine. Last time I had you I had you for three months before finding you. This was pre kids doing an incredibly stressful university course, the doctor was first saying it was eczema, then dandruff, then stress itch, until finally when I had rashy bites going all down my neck in my long hair we discovered the nits! I had got them from spending a week with some primary kids, but hadn’t thought about the kid contact so we just assumed it wouldn’t be nits and couldn’t ever find any evidence of them, until the an eagle eyed locum doctor found them on my third visit because the scalp itch was driving me mad and the shampoos and creams I had been prescribed were not working- funny that with them not being nit lotion and all.
So yeah I am rather flattered you love my hair so much and are so incredibly good at hiding in it. I know you prefer clean hair to dirty as its easier to move about in, but soon you and your family must die. Currently you are still pootling about on the envelope I took the picture of you on and I am kind of loathe to properly squish you, I know you will die soon enough anyway without a human host, so maybe you, but only you, will get saved from the nit napalm. You get this reprieve as I suppose you sort of did me a favour by being the only nit I have ever known to be feckless enough to be found and thus alerting me to you families invasion of my families hair.
So thank you. I owe you one, in fact I’m almost tempted to pop you in the envelope and sneak you onto the head of someone I can’t stand so you can carry on surviving as you have done for millions of years.
P.S if anyone gets itchy reading this, look behind you to check for me with my envelope