Time ticks on,
Never waste a moment
Seize the day
Baby is born
Toddler turns 2
Life goes on
Daughter avoids grief
Life goes on
Baby turns one
Anniversary of fathers death.
Tomorrow about 9.30am ish
Time to pause
Time to grieve
Toddler will turn 3 next week
Life goes on.
Time goes on.
Dear Lucky Socks,
Bloody hell I have just discovered you have pulled a hat trick! My friend who was having IVF is only pregnant with TRIPLETS!!! In fact possibly you were a bit too lucky, as she was only aiming for twins. I am keeping everything crossed for her.
Since I was 18 I have had a pair of lucky socks, I brought them after I split up from emotionally abusive fuckwit. They were yellow and black and had “Walking Disaster” on them- they made me smile. I passed my second driving test wearing them (it is no coincidence I failed the first one not wearing them- LUCKY innit.). Unfortunately I have just gone for a rummage in my sock drawer, I can’t find them, in fact I haven’t seen them in a while. In fact I haven’t actually seen them since my life started going a little awry in the last three years, again clearly not just a coincidence. They were completely knackered and holey when I last saw them, I wonder where they are?
My lucky socks were amazing, when I was at university doing the laundry, I once came back to my room to find I now had three lucky socks! My lucky socks were breeding that is how incredibly awesome they were. A month or so later I discovered by complete coincidence my extra lucky sock actually belonged to the man I had a complete and utter all consuming crush on. Of all the people in my halls, it had to be him, and he also had a pair of my lucky socks! Obviously THIS WAS FATE! Sadly my crush (which lasted at least the 4 years of university so holds a record in my life as my longest ever crush!) was never reciprocated, but he became a close friend of mine, and in the end being a weirdo stalker type I couldn’t bear to part with my extra lucky sock so I brought him a new pair of the same type so we each had three walking disaster socks.
Since then I have had a bit of a thing about lucky socks. A friend from work was going through IVF so I made her a pair of lucky socks- I got some plain socks and personalised them with fabric pen, and lo and behold she had a sucessful twin pregnancy. (In fact the unrequited crush also went onto have twins with his partner (now wife) so I’m pondering an ultra fertile multiple pregnancy lucky sock connection and um maybe I don’t want my own Lucky Socks to be found in case we have twins or more for #3!)
Since obviously those lucky socks did the IVF trick when another friend told me she was 5weeks pregnant with IVF twins I immediately sent her another pair of lucky socks- “Little Miss Lucky”- sadly that pregnancy failed a day or two later but she rang me last week to tell me about the triplets- so clearly it is crucial the lucky socks are in place before the embryos.
So now I am reignited in my love for lucky socks. In fact if anyone reading this needs me to send them a Lucky Pair of Socks for IVF purposes, then email me LadyCurd@Gmail.Com and I will see what I can do. Obviously if I get completely inundated with sock requests then I probably can’t afford to help out but I am happy to pass on a few pairs to see if this lucky sock IVF sucess streak continues. If nothing else it might make you smile while going through it, and I like making people smile. In fact if it works then maybe we can set up a lucky sock network. One day the world will be ruled by lucky socks.
Lots of Love
This is a guest letter from @KathyGower who blogs outsideasylummusings
Dear Pelvic Floor,
We need to talk.
I’m sorry, I know how I have neglected and abused you. I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel. Somehow, I missed how important you were to me back then. I’m so sorry for my neglect and abuse of you…..how can we begin to make things better between us? We share so much and yet, somehow we are not working in tune…..I hope we can make some changes before it is too late!
I think I first need to apologise for my lack of care for you after giving birth to my children….they really did take up much of my time, and I am afraid your needs got pushed aside in respect of their needs. I was young, and warnings about your needs not being met would come back to haunt me when I was older, fell on death ears I’m afraid. You know how it is, when we’re young, 50 and beyond seems like it’s never gonna happen!
Secondly, I then let your needs go unmet when I had my hysterectomy 20 years ago. I do have excuses, but I am not sure you’ll want to hear them. All I can say is, I am sorry, it wasn’t done deliberately, I just got it very wrong for you.
Finally, I have never been a slim person, and I know you have a lot of my weight to cope with. I am very aware how much this makes your job difficult, and again, I apologise and know that sorry isn’t enough.
I also need to add here, that the secrecy, shame and humiliation of a break down in our communications have made it really hard to even consider looking at how we can make amends. So, today, right now, I am coming out and telling the world about our difficulties and hope that this lets you see how determined I am to make positive changes.
So, what now…..I can’t promise you I will lose weight, as I haven’t achieved much in the way of permanent weight loss in all the years I have been obese. So, I’m not going to make empty promises, as that could be as bad as the neglect you have already been subjected to. I suspect you have noticed that I have been getting touch with you lately. I have to say, after all these years of neglect, you’ve been pretty difficult to find. Sometimes I think I have found you, but it’s never clear that it is you I am communicating with!
You will have noticed I have bought you some weights…..interesting, n’est pas? Again, I’m not sure we’re managing them correctly, and it’s very, very difficult to know for sure. It’s not like we can go and ask someone if this is correct! So, I think for now, we’ll carry on and see if there is any improvement in our relationship.
So, there we are, my sincere apologies for the previous 34 years of neglect….I really, really hope we can find a positive way forward and begin to work in harmony in the future.
My fondest regards,
I read this tonight where Lauren writes to her daughter post traumatic birth and it inspired me to write my own.
I do worry how you might feel if you ever read my ChildbirthPTSDandMe blog (and um this one but that’s a letter to both girls for another time!). One day you will know your birth wasn’t easy and that you were very poorly when you were first born. You will only have to look at the first newborn photos of you to know this.
I do wonder how much we should tell you about your HIE grade 1 diagnosis and MRI result (Evidence of hypoxic event) because YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE. You are the brightest, sparky, funny most hilarious toddler I have ever met. I know I maybe biased but others have said similar things so I can’t be that biased! I genuinely don’t know how you will feel if you find out that your brain was affected during your birth, I don’t know if we should tell you or leave it but then one day you might find out by reading the blog or something, plus you know how utterly useless I am at lying or skirting around the truth.
Thing is you aren’t brain damaged at all (and for that we can count our blessings everyday), the MRI showed evidence of a “neuro-cortical event consistent with hypoxic injury” but there was no evidence of proper permanent damage to your brain. We were offered to have your MRI repeated but you were meeting all your milestones and it was such a traumatic procedure for you first time that we decided your brain was totally ace just as it was. It really is- you are such a bright clever little thing learning new words and sentences every day, if anything your start in life confirms what a total little genius you are. You overcame it all to still be able to give me a round of applause when I have a wee and inform me “well done mummy well done” and then later bring me half a roll of scrunched up bog roll and try and convince me innocently “It fell out, mummy, it fell out, Oh dear! It fell out!” Hmm!? You make me laugh every single day and I wouldn’t change a thing about you (well okay I would like the biting and pinching to stop but we are working on that!).
I don’t know how you will feel knowing how your birth made me feel afterwards (even though I am totally and utterly fine now promise!) and to be honest I probably won’t go into too much detail about the PTSD with you, but if you ever do actually read the blog you must NEVER EVER EVER feel any guilt for what happened. Not ever. I hope you know how much I adore you and how I wouldn’t swap you for anything in the world and the experience made me me, and you you and sod it we are fecking awesome (but I didn’t swear because I am your mother and a good role model. Ahem) so yeah- I love you little Omble Curd- you have brought so so much joy and happiness into our lives, and I would go through it all again for you and then some. You keep rocking on little girl.
P.S You know how mummy overthinks sometimes, well I initially wrote “all my love”, but then that wasn’t right as I love you equally with your sister and LordCurd, but lot’s of love didn’t seem enough somehow. Infinite love is about the right balance I reckon. Love you.
P.P.S I also want you to be proud that our story has helped many other people in the same position. I wrote this post to reassure other frantic googling parents and it is still one of the most popular posts on that blog and “HIE Grade One” is still one of the most common search terms. So we can both be proud how we helped people. 😀
Posted in Birth, Health, LadyCurd, Mental Health, Oddler, Parenting, Ponderances, Things I Love
Tagged Childbirth PTSD, HIE Grade 1, Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy, PTSD
Today is International Day of the Midwife and I am a bit obsessed with Midwives it seems. Have just been going through my blogs, to discover what I have written about you and I discover it’s an awful lot! I wrote this thanking all that helped second time and this about my wonderful comunity midwives first time, and this about my love for the NHS and this about the midwife with her brilliant deadpan humour that helped me hugely. I also wrote real life letters – to the first hospital they received a huge complaint letter about some of the care I received but also a genuine thank you letter for aspects of my care and the second hospital received a heartfelt thankyou letter for helping me bring Omble into the world without trauma.
I am in total awe of Midwives and the impact on a woman’s birthing experience. As many of you know I had an uttterly horrific first birth experience (here) which was made all the worse by poor midwife care (in particular this one who when complained about refused to admit she was in the wrong and so was placed under supervision), but thanks to incredible support from my community midwives and the head of delivery suite (a former midwife) I was able to go on and have an absolutely brilliant experience second time. The head of the delivery suite kept saying “you just need someone to be kind to you this time”, and it’s true I did. I even had to put it in my second birth plan, but I needn’t have worried- the two midwives I had with me helping me bring Omble into the world were brilliant, so calm and reassuring and I totally trusted them that it would be okay this time. I am now even planning a home water birth for number 3 (if there is one?).
I do believe I was just very unlucky first time and I do think midwives do an amazing job under huge amounts of stress and pressure. I know the horrible experience I had first time was partly due to staff shortages- we were left alone a lot and those that were on duty (early hours of Sunday morning) seemed to be agency midwives and rather inexperienced and unfortunately the ones I had were rather uncaring but I will never forget the “Midwife with the Halo” (who I wrote about in my first birth story- she came into me when we had been left alone and in those moments she was with me she calmed me down and made me feel safe and reassured and the pain genuinely reduced, but then she had to leave and it all went wrong again), I do think had I had her with me during my first birth it would have ended very differently and much more positively.
So dear Midwife- I’m writing to let you know you are amazing, wonderful inspirational people who can make such and phenomenal difference to women’s lives and to let you know I have signed the petition*.
Lots of Love
P.S This letter was inspired by @Fiona_Peacock‘s letter to her midwife
*The Royal College of Midwives is asking people to please sign this petition calling for an extra 5,000 midwives to deal with the increasing numbers of babies born each year. I know personally how staff shortages can affect birth outcomes (I do feel had I had Midwives as good as I did second time as I did the first time- some of the stuff with Oddler wouldn’t have happened), so I’m begging you to please sign the petition as if this petition achieves 100,000 then this issue will be debated within the House of Commons. Spread the word, for midwives, for antenatal and postnatal women and of course for the babies.
Posted in Birth, Health, LadyCurd, Things I Love, Womynny Stuff
Tagged Antenatal, Birth, International Day of the Midwife, Midwife, Midwives, PostNatal, Women
Dear Babies I Lost,
It has been 3years today since my first miscarriage at 10weeks. At the time it felt like my world was ending. Two years later I had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my tube. I wrote about losing you here.
I sometimes think about you babies and what might have been. But both times I was pregnant again within weeks
too fertile for my own good, and had I not lost both of you then my Oddler and Omble wouldn’t exist and I really wouldn’t swap them for anything.
That doesn’t mean had you not been the ones to make it instead I would have loved you any less, but it just makes the pain of losing you easier to bear.
I hope you still exist in the ether somehow (and get your Grandpa to look out for you if he is there too) and that one day you will be born to survive somewhere in the world (not to me though sadly apparently we are complete as a family now
but I anticipate an accidental 3rd in about 5years)
You would have been awesome kids.
Dear First Time Pregnant Ladies,
I need you to know this statistic. I wish I had known it before I had Oddler.
Approx 50% of first births will end in intervention. 25% of those will be (emergency) C-Section, 25%of them forceps or ventouse.
That means 1/2 may not get the vaginal delivery they have been expecting, planning or hoping for. There are lots of things you can do to try and minimise your chances of intervention but ultimately what happens, happens and it is most important YOU DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR ANY OF IT.
I spent too long blaming myself for Oddlers Birth and subsequent time on NICU with Oxygen Starvation, I wish I had realised sooner it wasn’t my fault, but a set of circumstances combined, which ultimately we have all healed from, and for that I count my blessings.
That’s not to say an assisted delivery will always be a traumatic experience. I know many women who have had very positive assisted deliveries. In my own case although forceps were used (and I had in my head that I would rather a C-section than forceps) ultimately they saved my daughter from being any more oxygen deprived and they had to be used- a C-section could have been so much worse. It wasn’t a pleasant experience but it wasn’t the worst part of the birth, so please don’t be too scared of assisted deliveries, they can save the life of you and your baby.
I wish you a lovely positive birth experience that you will cherish, and I wish you all the very best on your journey into motherhood. However if sadly you don’t have that experience (1 in 10 women will suffer birth trauma, and that could be regardless of whether you have a vaginal or an assisted delivery) I beg you not to blame yourself for it and to seek help if you are struggling with what happened. The Birth Trauma Association and Maternity Matters are excellent sources of support and information. I also kept this blog detailing my journey of healing so that I could go onto confidently have Omble, which was a healing wonderful experience that I would be happy to repeat- maybe a home waterbirth next time (though it was still quite ouchy! ;))
Lots of labouring love
P.S Always more than happy to talk to women about birth trauma if you wanted/needed. Email me or contact via twitter.