This letter was inspired by the lovely @kaygeeuk who, when #thatswhatslutsdo was trending, tweeted
Teach their daughters that they can wear what they want, love who they want, have sex with who they want without shame #thatswhatslutsdo
— soft kitty singer (@kaygeeuk) April 19, 2012
So um yeah I’m a slut, as I want to teach my girls EXACTLY that. This whole males can enjoy sex and have sex with as many people as they want (because they are studs, lotharios, etc etc) but if women do they same they are Sluts, Slags, Skanks, Bitches, Ho’s, Whores etc etc. really really winds me up.
I suppose women who are called sluts are called it for one of two main reasons:
A) they enjoy sex and aren’t ashamed about that fact, and this goes against the “social norm” therefore others (and it’s often women 😦 ) find this threatening and therefore try and bully and intimidate the “sluts” out of behaving this way. There is also a very weird paradigm in that women are expected to look and act “sexily” but if they actually go the step further and actually shag about then society gets all cross with them, and calls them sluts- seriously what’s all that about!?
B) because their behaviour is also causing hurt and upset of others. This one is more problematic as I personally feel it actually depends on the personal motivation to act in such a way, every individual is responsible for their own actions and so long as you are not deliberately setting out to hurt people and accepting the consequences to your actions, then I cannot and would not judge you or ever call you a “slut”. However if you are deliberately and maliciously setting out to hurt people, then maybe nasty names are justified but there are much better non gendered insults for such people: Douchebag being a particular favourite of mine (although I did have a debate on Twitter about whether this was a gendered insult as I suppose it would depend if it was an anal or a vaginal douche ;)).
This dichotomy between males and females and their acceptable sexual behaviour is taught from a young age- it’s okay- funny even, for boys to masturbate but girls are taught shame if they are caught doing same. We are more comfortable with the word penis than vulva, and heaven forbid we mention that most taboo part of the female body- the clitoris to a child or even teenager! A simple explanation being “It’s a part of the body- when you touch it it can feel nice, you should only touch it in private and never let anyone touch it without your consent” (having explained and modelled consent to them too)
I appreciate females biologically may have more at risk than males from a sexual encounter because of pregnancy, and that has maybe led to some of this “slut-shaming” to try and prevent women from paying a higher price than men for being sexually voracious, but seriously we now live in a world where so long as you use a condom/femidom (being the ONLY thing to protect you against STI’s) and also use a back up method of hormonal contraception with a very low failure rate, then the liklihood of falling accidentally pregnant (or getting an STI) is very slim indeed.
Sex is one of the most awesome things you can do with your body (as is breastfeeding which I also find utterly incredible but in an separate non sexy way obviously!), it should be enjoyed and celebrated and not treated with shame, disgust, or humour. And women have just as much right to enjoy it as men. The caveat to that being both women and men should never set out to deliberately hurt anybody just so they can get laid; trust, honesty and communication being central to any pleasureable mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
So yes, I want my girls to be able to wear what they want, love who they want and have sex with who they want without shame. I hope my girls find someone as awesome as LordCurd as soon as they are ready to settle down,
and I really hope they don’t make some of the fricking horrific carcrash mistakes I have, but in the meantime once they are old and mature enough, and so long as they aren’t hurting anyone or hurting themselves, then I hope they will do whatever they want to, and its absolutely none of anybody’s business except their own, but woe betide anyone who calls them nasty names because of it.
Lot’s of loving