Category Archives: Behaviour

Dear Slut

Dear Slut,

This letter was inspired by the lovely @kaygeeuk who, when #thatswhatslutsdo was trending, tweeted

So um yeah I’m a slut, as I want to teach my girls EXACTLY that. This whole males can enjoy sex and have sex with as many people as they want (because they are studs, lotharios, etc etc) but if women do they same they are Sluts, Slags, Skanks, Bitches, Ho’s, Whores etc etc. really really winds me up.

I suppose women who are called sluts are called it for one of two main reasons:

A) they enjoy sex and aren’t ashamed about that fact, and this goes against the “social norm” therefore others (and it’s often women 😦 ) find this threatening and therefore try and bully and intimidate the “sluts” out of behaving this way. There is also a very weird paradigm in that women are expected to look and act “sexily” but if they actually go the step further and actually shag about then society gets all cross with them, and calls them sluts-  seriously what’s all that about!?

B) because their behaviour is also causing hurt and upset of others.  This one is more problematic as I personally feel it actually depends on the personal motivation to act in such a way, every individual is responsible for their own actions and so long as you are not deliberately setting out to hurt people and accepting the consequences to your actions, then I cannot and would not judge you or ever call you a “slut”. However if you are deliberately and maliciously setting out to hurt people, then maybe nasty names are justified but there are much better non gendered insults for such people: Douchebag being a particular favourite of mine (although I did have a debate on Twitter about whether this was a gendered insult as I suppose it would depend if it was an anal or a vaginal douche ;)).

This dichotomy between males and females and their acceptable sexual behaviour is taught from a young age- it’s okay- funny even, for boys to masturbate but girls are taught shame if they are caught doing same. We are more comfortable with the word penis than vulva, and heaven forbid we mention that most taboo part of the female body- the clitoris to a child or even teenager! A simple explanation being “It’s a part of the body- when you touch it it can feel nice, you should only touch it in private and never let anyone touch it without your consent” (having explained and modelled consent to them too)

I appreciate females biologically may have more at risk than males from a sexual encounter because of pregnancy, and that has maybe led to some of this “slut-shaming” to try and prevent women from paying a higher price than men for being sexually voracious, but seriously we now live in a world where so long as you use a condom/femidom (being the ONLY thing to protect you against STI’s) and also use a back up method of hormonal contraception with a very low failure rate, then the liklihood of falling accidentally pregnant (or getting an STI) is very slim indeed.

Sex is one of the most awesome things you can do with your body (as is breastfeeding which I also find utterly incredible but in an separate non sexy way obviously!), it should be enjoyed and celebrated and not treated with shame, disgust, or humour. And women have just as much right to enjoy it as men. The caveat to that being both women and men should never set out to deliberately hurt anybody just so they can get laid; trust, honesty and communication being central to any pleasureable mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.

So yes, I want my girls to be able to wear what they want, love who they want and have sex with who they want without shame.  I hope my girls find someone as awesome as LordCurd as soon as they are ready to settle down, and I really hope they don’t make some of the fricking horrific carcrash mistakes I have, but in the meantime once they are old and mature enough, and so long as they aren’t hurting anyone or hurting themselves, then I hope they will do whatever they want to, and its absolutely none of anybody’s business except their own, but woe betide anyone who calls them nasty names because of it.

Lot’s of loving



Dear Makeup

Dear Makeup,

Firstly I need to start by saying I virtually never wear you. I think the last time was when 7months preggers and I was on the telly (I mean you probably should then right? I mean millions* of people might have been watching) . I probably literally only wear you once or twice a year. I just find putting you on too much of a faff and can totally cope with my bare face being seen in public. This is mainly because I’m too much of a lazy fucker to spend the required time making my face up of a morning, only to realise by midday my efforts have assumed a rather panda like look and no-body has told me, and I never look in mirrors unless washing my hands after going to the loo, so it will have often been like that for hours until I will notice. Sigh. I can’t even be bothered to wear contacts so I wear huge heavy rimmed glasses – (the bonus being they hide the dark shadows under my eyes quite nicely- who needs Touche Éclat?) Brushing my hair and teeth everyday is about as far as my beauty regime goes.

Anyhow my mum was and is exactly the same- virtually never ever wears you, but still as a kid I remember playing about with her makeup kit loads and then between 12-19 I probably wore you most days (I was a Goth so it could take a while!) until I reached my twenties and was less bothered by it all. So I was interested to read this article where PinkStinks are calling for a ban on the sale of makeup toys to the under 8’s, as I am genuinely not sure how I feel about it.

Firstly kids (boys or girls) mucking about with make-up is just something kids do. I may not have older kids but I know toddlers love it. I know Oddler was enthralled when a friend of ours came round to ours to get ready for a wedding and she got to play a bit with the make-up. TBH I felt a little bit weird about it as the friend was more putting make-up on her than anything else (but then again you wouldn’t let a 2 year old completely loose on your Chanel and other uber expensive brand make-up!) and I didn’t want my daughter “made up” as I feel that is wrong- I don’t want my girls to ever feel like they need to wear make-up in order to be attractive, because I want them to feel beautiful without it, and I worried slightly this might sow some seeds into Oddlers mind about that. But the flipside is -Is Oddler missing out by having a mummy who doesn’t have a makeup bag to cause carnage in? Well I do, but I keep it ontop of the wardrobe (shows how often I use it!) and TBH I am pondering whether I do let her play with it at some point? To me my rather redundant makeup bag is no different than buying her a set of face paints (but without the effort of buying the face paints- see I told you I was lazy). I know she will end up looking like a complete makeup monstrosity and it would be hilarious.

There is NOTHING “sexualised” about a kid of either gender daubing their face in coloured substances. Oddler adores to draw all over herself in felt tip pen! The thing is its the fucked up adults in society who are projecting onto the kids. Some women wear make up, some wear a lot of make up and little girls want to be like their mummies, and they want to do what their mummies do, they aren’t doing it to be perceived as attractive or sexy like their mothers might be, they are just doing it because its what their idol does. So it’s a bit fucked up to freak out so much about kids playing with makeup, when actually what we should maybe be freaking out about is why so many adult women are so not comfortable in their own skins that they have to cover themselves in these make up masks in order to be perceived as beautiful, and then pass on those insecurities to their kids? (As an aside it amuses me how in many bird species it is the male who is expected to be the beautiful one putting on the displays, for the dowdy brown female one to choose the best of the bunch- just look at Peacocks and Peahens for the classic example!).

Don’t get me wrong I do think kids being properly made up to look like adults is wrong (Toddler beauty queens make me shudder), and I dislike the notion of “toy makeup” so personally I wouldn’t ever buy it for the girls, but might buy them proper makeup for secondary school. I think that is the responsibility of the parents bringing up the children to be aware of some of the issues about allowing or even forcing a kid to grow up too soon, and discussing with the children what some of these issues are, and to try to bring their children up as best they can in this very strange world we now live in. I don’t think banning make up kit sales in under 8’s is really going to make much difference in the grand scheme of things, but supporting parents to develop resilience and good self esteem in their children especially the girls might?

I expect (and hope) Oddler and Omble will ultimately end up rather like me. Go a bit mad with experimenting with you as a teen and then ultimately not be that faffed because they realise you are mostly unnecessary but can be nice for the odd special occasion. If they do, I reckon I’ve done my job as a mother ok.

Lots of madeup love

Lady I Do Own Touche Éclat But I Got It In Duty Free For My Wedding Day And It’s Gone Off And Stinks Curd

P.S In case you were wondering, yes I am a total minger without makeup, but I can live with that. 😉

*by millions I probably mean my mum. Hi mum!

Dear Potty Training

Dear Potty Training,

Today things were looking promising with you with Oddler demanding to sit and read on her potty:


And then not so much:

“Potty’s make excellent crowns”

Ah well no rush as Oddler insists on changing her own nappies these days anyway (which is fine if not shitty) so it’s not like it’s any hassle having two tinies in nappies!

Yours excretally


Dear OmbleFace

Dear Ombleface,

It’s not that bad, I maybe ranting about your velcro behaviour in a public forum but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you very very much. Look I even told the Binmen they can’t have you anymore! So please stop being such a grisly miserable little thing and cheer up!
Lots of love



Dear Random Passers by

Dear Random Passers by,

So after yesterday’s shoppers ranty letter, today has transformed my outlook. I love the lady in the charity shop who complimented me on my beautiful girls then told me how impressed she was I was up and dressed let alone out and about!

I also chuffed with the old lady at the doctors who chatted to Oddler and me and acknowledged I had my hands full at minute and when Oddler started to go into a naughty toddler meltdown and I managed her out of it just as Omble started screaming too, she gave me a “great job -I’m impressed” smile.

So dear passer by when you see a frazzled parent of small children out and about remember just a few words or gestures can make an enormous amount of difference to how they feel.


Dear Shoppers

Dear Shoppers,

Yes my baby is screaming her head off, no she isn’t hungry, no it isn’t her nappy, no I am not a cruel mum for letting her scream, but there really isn’t much else I can do. She probably needs to go to sleep, she has decided she doesn’t like being in her pram and I don’t have a sling with me.She likes to scream- she does it alot. Yes I am probably about to cry.

Thankyou so much for your judgy looks making me feel like the shittest mum in the world.

Yours Sincerely


Dear Gina Ford

Dear Gina Ford,

I am writing to thank you. For you serve to be the best “will I get on with you?” parenting friend test ever. It’s really quite simple:- when I meet a new prospective parent friend, those that used your methods, I usually can’t stand, those that thought *insert something offensive here* but not really incase I get sued about your methods then invariably I will get on with. Easy peasy parenting wheat from parenting chaff sorting.

Now lots of stuff in media about your latest book. Haven’t read it but from the sounds of the furore doesn’t seem to be much of the really important focus on communication and finding ways of maintaining intimacy. Which is actually far far more important than any fumble in a postnatal Mumble.

Plus why all the focus on “penis in vagina” sex? In general that has always annoyed me. Sex can and should be should be so much more than that. Though you can’t be blamed solely for that- that’s a societal issue.

Thought I might offer an alternate perspective- You might find more new parents than you think actually want to have sex but are blocked by a tiny person with needs more important than their own (an evolutionary baby survival adaptation to prevent the littlest family member being usurped by an even littler member in 9months!?), and suggestions on what to do in that situation might end up being a bestseller. In fact if you are too busy, I might write it myself. 😉

Yours Sincerely