Category Archives: Equality Rants

Dear Barbie


Dear Barbie,

I just read your gripping debut novel:
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I know you have your position to maintain as a patriarchal consumerist toy but I know this is the real book you would have written if you could have:

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Lots of love

LadyNeverAllowedABarbieCurd

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Dear Vagina


Dear Vagina,

As usual I am writing to the female anatomy. One might think I was obsessed or something (see here for Breasts, Vulva, Cervix, Uterus, Pelvic Floor as well as musings on gendered genital related insults).

On Friday a female politician was banned for saying “vagina” in an abortion bill debate, this has been dubbed #Vaginagate, so I suppose technically I should have called this letter #VaginaGate but the phrase has been making me giggle as I imagined a gate over the entrance to the vagina, preventing anyone from getting in or anything from getting out (unless full term) although I suppose given the subject matter, this is strangely appropriate.

One of the Republican politicians present Mike Callton said he found the word “so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.” This is a moron man holding a bachelors degree in biology- Eh!?

Since the news broke I have been reading some fabulous responses to it:

The simply brilliant Glosswitch wrote my favourite post ever on this whole affair- “Total Cunt Avoidance- we have the technology!

SonyaCisco made me laugh out loud with A nice day at the Orifice

Lisa Brown (The politician in question) has written her Vagina Monologue and will be reading it in Michigan with Eve Ensler

Naomi McAuliffe wrote that Vaginas aren’t dirty- even in Michigan

Sarah Ditum wrote Why right-wingers shouldn’t stop women saying “vagina”

So there isn’t much more for me to say other than-Dear Vagina -You are not a dirty word, you are not an offensive word, you are a lovely scientific word to describe the birth canal, you are often inappropriately used to describe the vulva, but I’m working on correcting that. I could wax lyrical for hours about the vagina but it’s getting late and LordCurd wants to go to bed so I need to get of the computer. So I shall end with Vaginas are completely amazing and wonderful and I am shortly going to be writing a very detailed informative letter to women about vaginal secretions (LadyCurd by name, LadyCurd by nature). So watch this space (oh and I will totally publish that next letter while you are eating your breakfast. Preferably yoghurt.)

Lots of muscular tubal love

LadyVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINA
VAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINACurd

P.S. If you read the gendered insults posts you will see I have a strong dislike of the word “Cunt” but I realised in those letters I did not make an important distinction, the word is absolutely foul and horrible as an insult, and I virtually never use it in such a way, because what it effectively says is “Cunts (ie. Vaginas) are disgusting scum of the earth, lowest of low, vilest of vile”. However I am also inclined to agree with the person the lovely @SarahDitum wrote about in this article “During sex I’ll accept ‘pussy’ but my preference is ‘cunt’.” I have no problem at all with actual vaginas being called cunts, after all “Vagina” doesn’t really “roll off the tongue” in the heat of the moment now does it. ūüėČ

Dear Intisar Sharif Abdallah


Dear Intisar Sharif Abdallah,

I am in floods of tears reading about your current situation. ¬†I cannot believe that in this day and age there are still countries that treat men, women and children so despicably, barbarically, inhumanely. ¬†In fact those words don’t do your current situation justice at all. ¬†I am so upset that you have been imprisoned with your four¬†month old baby and separated from your other two children.

I am so so sorry that your brother beat you into confessing to adultery (something which isn’t even a crime in my country). ¬†I am devastated that the courts saw fit to sentence you to death by stoning, based on this extremely flimsy “evidence” of your guilt. I abhor the very¬†legislative¬†existence of the death sentence, even for much more heinous crimes than yours (which I am not at all convinced at all you are actually guilty of), but that particular method of execution is the most disgusting, cruel and horrific.

I have sent an appeal on your behalf to President Omar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir, and I will do everything I can to raise awareness of your current plight, to fight that this sentence is not carried out and that you are reunited with your family.

You might wonder why I am doing this? Well it’s because I also have a baby not much older than yours and previously I might have found myself in situations that in your country could also lead me to the same sentence, but only by virtue of my birth and geography I would never find myself in your situation. This is not right.

I am thinking of you and fighting for you.

Stay strong for your children.

Love

LadyCurd

xxx

Dear Equal Marriage


Dear Equal Marriage,

I want you to know that you in no way threaten my marriage or family life (what an utterly ridiculous notion!), and all those fools who think otherwise are the sorts of idiots who shouldn’t be allowed to get married or procreate and then we might end up with a world full of tolerant and respectful people who know that marriage should be between two people who love each other regardless of gender.

In fact Chief Justice Margaret Goodridge summarised it much better than me

From “Goodridge Vs. Department of Health” by Massachusetts Supreme Court Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall
Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations….Without question, civil marriage enhances the “welfare of the community.” It is a “social institution of the highest importance.”

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family…. Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.

We had that reading at our own wedding it was awesome (and nicely subversive for the more “traditional” homophobic relatives present as guests.)

Anyhow marriage equality is so important. Yes the UK has civil partnerships but they are bloody well marriages and should be called as such.

All’s left to say is “if you are against same sex marriage, don’t marry someone of the same sex” (Wonda Sykes). Sorted.

Lot’s of love

LadyLovingCurd

P.S Please please please fill in the government consultation on equal marriage. You can do so here . Don’t let the bigots win this one!

Dear “Modern Man”/ “New Man”/ “SAHD”


Dear “Modern Man”/ “New Man”/ “SAHD”,

So I wrote to LordCurd describing him as a¬†Modern Man¬†yesterday, and I was chatting with @glosswitch who pointed out we do tend to exalt the “Modern Man”/ “New Man”/ SAHD”. ¬†Society seems to give them¬†“a big pat on the back for doing something millions of women do every day just because you’re a man! Big sodding deal!”. ¬†

She has a very good point. ¬†Now I am not saying LordCurd is not awesome for currently doing slightly more¬†than his fair share in the house. But say hypothetically we were equal in the house (which this week we totally are- I have done loads- just check the #twitterasskick hashtag!), it would still be Lord Curd who gets the adulation for being such a fantastic husband and father. If I load the dishwasher, that’s just me doing “my job”, not an example of me being a fantastic wife. ¬†If I change a nappy that’s just me being a mum not an example of me being a fantastic mum, yet if LordCurd changes a nappy he is so “hand’s on” and “I am so lucky for having a man like that”. Um isn’t that just called parenting? ¬†We both agreed to have kids, we both live in a house that needs “running”. The ONLY thing I do that LordCurd can’t, ¬†is breastfeeding- in the early days that is practically a full time job in itself.

Don’t get me wrong I know how lucky I am to be married to a man as lovely as Lord Curd, and I do promise to make sure there is a more equal balance to our family life from now on, but I reckon we are pretty much on a 58:42 dealio at mo so it’s not too severe thankfully (and if you count I parent throughout the night everynight then actually I do LOADS!). It will be really interesting to see how both our roles in the house develop as I go properly back to work two days a week and LordCurd becomes a SAHD for one day a week. Especially because LordCurd will be the MOST AMAZING DAD EVER for his one day whereas grumpy blue arsed fly SAHM me for 3days a week will just be, well grumpy and blue arsed flyey.

I have decided it is time to get cross about this. I am now going to loudly shout “SEXIST ARSEWIPE!mansized tissue?” at any bloke who thinks he is deserving of any extra special attention¬†doing something mundane and dull just because he is a man and it’s normally “woman’s work”. Oh and I may come up with some choice phrase for women my mother in law¬†who also do the same, (although then again SEXIST ARSEWIPE is thankfully not a gendered insult¬†so can suit both). Thankfully LordCurd is not a sexist arsewipe at all, and doesn’t expect anything special for his roles in our family but obviously I show him my gratitude as he does me (because that’s just a nice human way to behave), but my gosh there are some people out there who really need to get a grip and stop revering the “Modern Man”/”New Man”/ “SAHD”¬†JUST FOR CONTRIBUTING TO THE FAMILY¬†EQUALLY.¬†Tis the equality within the running of the household that is the crucial thing after all. Mais non?

Or am I being unreasonable?

Lot’s of love

LadyReallyGettingIntoThisFeministLarkCurd

Dear Man Sized Tissues


Dear Man Sized Tissues,

It has come to my attention that many women are unquestioning of your rather sexist existence considering men general have similar sized noses to women and similar amounts of snot production.

Man Flu being worse than Woman Flu does not explain this tissue sexual diamorphism, nor does the possibility that men cry more than women.

I was all set to start a new feminist campaign with my new feminist identity…..

…. Then I realised……

…..Men masturbate. Men ejaculate. Men need big tissues to clean up after them if a sock isn’t handy and the mumsnetter who knitted her son a wank mitten NEEDS to do a guest post for Sex Positive Parenting.

Fact.

So maybe it isn’t so sexist after all, as “wank tissues” may not be a selling point, and wanking women don’t usually need tissues. Thus it’s a name minefield in the battle for gender equality.

But calling yourself “Man-Sized” is actually an annoying euphemism for “spunk soaker upper” ¬†(although maybe “sopper upper” is better as semen doesn’t really soak up, or am I¬†over-thinking¬†again?)

Can you please think of a better name for yourself? Maybe “Wankerchiefs” or “Tossues”? Any others?

Lots of love

LadyShatteringTheInnocenceOfHerFemaleFriendsCurd

Dear Modern Man Versus the Feminist “Housewife”


Dear Modern Man Versus the Feminist Housewife,

This is a letter to both of you. ¬†Firstly Modern Man, you often make your feminist “housewife” look bad as you do¬†nearly all the cooking and more than your fair share of the cleaning and childcare as well as working fulltime. ¬†This means that Feminist “Housewife” is actually outed as the complete lazy arse she cleary is. ¬†Irritatingly you will also sometimes have both kids for the day and somehow manage to tidy the entire house so when Feminist “Housewife” returns to the family home she is greeted with a spotless house and gleaming children (who have also been baking/crafting/painting and other stimulating activities) and the “I don’t know why you find it so difficult!” F@*!?&@*. ¬†Also Modern Man- you are bloody lovely but you are a bit enabling as instead of discussing/negotiating what needs to be done, you often just get on and do it and this is letting Feminist “Housewife” get away with doing less than her fair share. ¬†She knows she is an adult and part of a team but she has also gotten very used to and comfortable in the status quo, so you probably need to shake that up a little and stop doing so much for her- even though she adores you very much for it. (She also knows her Mum is now completely lost without her Dad who also used to do so much for her, and sometimes that level of dependency can be dangerous if it means suddenly unexpectedly you are on your own and unable to cope)

Secondly Feminist “Housewife”- you really are not cut out to be a housewife, we all know this. ¬†You are desperate to get back to work and have been working sporadically part time since both your babies were tiny to “keep your hand in and your brain sane”, you even managed to recently achieve a MAHOOSIVE promotion in the work you do- unpaid but still awesome. You are proud that your children will witness non-stereotypical gender roles within your marriage however you are also aware they may cotton onto the fact that this isn’t necessarily actually because you are a feminist but it’s actually because you are very very lazy (at home anyway- at work you can be a completely passionate driven workaholic). ¬†You are counting down the days until¬†going back to work in September for two days a week and Modern Man is hopefully going to go part time and do 1days childcare and 1day business development and hopefully you can afford just about afford the childcare. ¬†You adore your job and want to do well in it and think it is very important for your girls to see you¬†working, passionate and fulfilled¬†rather than at home, bored and a bit miserable. (You are in complete awe of SAHM’s who enjoy it, and whilst you do adore your children you personally do need the adult work environment to stay sane).

Now dear Feminist “Housewife” admittedly you are¬†getting very little sleep bedsharing with a baby¬†velcroed to your armpit and breastfeeding all night, and feeding her or trying to get her to sleep for much of the day, however you do have a cleaner, and your toddler is at nursery for 3days a week so would it really kill you to do a little bit more around the house? Personally I think part of your¬†reluctance to do your share of the housework is because you are very reluctant to temporarily embrace a “housewife” identity as your very soul screams against it, but I also ¬†I reckon you are pontificating too much and really just don’t want to admit to being a lazy fucker when it comes to the housework.

Let’s face it NO-ONE LIKES HOUSEWORK, but you are also very aware that your marriage is unfairly weighted at the moment, because Modern Man does so much in the house, giving you far too much time to faff on the internet writing blogs and tweeting. ¬†This isn’t fair as you both deserve the same amount of “down time” and currently Modern Man gets a lot less than you. ¬†You are also aware that one of your best friend’s marriage recently ended for many reasons but ultimately it was due to the unfair balance of the relationship- you don’t want that to happen to your relationship.

So dear Feminist “Housewife” I have some suggestions for you. Firstly you are going to try #twitterasskick- 15minutes of bursts of activity where you say what you are going to do, go and do them and then report back, and some of your twitter friends may want to join you in this. ¬†Secondly you are going to limit the blogging to one letter a day unless really important for more. You may sometimes write more but you can schedule them for periods when you are too busy to write them. ¬†Thirdly you are going to do the dishwasher and a load of washing everyday. That’s it for now as I suggest you suddenly don’t try and turn into a Stepford Wife as it will fail miserably by day 2. ¬†You need little jobs to do every day to get into a habit and routine and create a more balanced equal relationship for you and Modern Man. ¬†In fact I may write back to you with more advice another time.

Lots of Love

LadyAgonyAuntieCurd

P.S Modern Man has been very reasonable about all of this- this isn’t bourne out of a “shape up or ship out” argument thank heavens, more a comedy discussion in general about housewifery and what it means to be a “feminist housewife” as Feminist Housewife was trying to convince him it meant being on twitter all day. Apparently it doesn’t. ¬†So she’s trying to change!