Category Archives: Vaguely Rational Rants

Dear Jasmin re. The world being taken over by ducks if same sex marriage is legalised.


Dear Jasmin,
I felt the need to address your letter and raise a couple of points with you. I see that you are home educated, do you know if your parents are providing a broad evidence based curriculum? I see from your letter you personally don’t believe in evolution, this is your right but have you ever looked at the evidence for evolution?

Your argument hinges on us evolving to be better than those that were before, yet you admit to not believing in evolution, which then destroys the strength of your argument. I suggest that you need to examine argument construction and flow in order to have your points taken seriously. You also clearly have a complete lack of understanding of natural history, ecology, biology and evolution. This is a shame. I added a diagram at the bottom of this letter which explains things nicely.

You basically argue that the Romans practiced homosexuality and we should have evolved past that, the Romans also practiced “heterosexuality” (given that if they solely practised same sex relations the human species would have been wiped out since in order to make a baby you need a sperm and an egg- this is something else your parents may not have shared with you- suggest you start here to find out more) anyhow my point being that heterosexuality existed in Roman times as did groovy things like democracy and toilets -not things we need to evolve beyond. The very notion of evolving “beyond sexuality” is beyond the scope of my reply but one I intend to ponder further anyhow, so thanks for giving me food for thought.

For the record things like homosexuality don’t spread, it is not a disease, it is simply an aspect of someone’s identity like red hair, or gender, or religion, football team supported (some people disagree whether its genetic or adopted as an identity, that bit doesn’t matter so much other than some people are gay some people are straight but all deserve our respect and the ability to marry the person that they love.)

Oh and someone needs to address the principle of equality with you – the notion of being “more equal” well um no- look it up! Of course you may have been studying Animal Farm- it’s a good story- did you also learn about the communist allegory underpinning it?

Also you stated ducks nest in pairs, did you know ducks practice gang rape or even homosexual necrophilia, I mean I appreciate this muddies your argument somewhat- I think you were trying to say Ducks are more civilised than humans, but lets face it, some ducks are complete bastards and unfortunately so are some humans.

Anyhow I could go on explaining on just how many levels your argument is wrong and flawed but I’m tired and I don’t want to be mean, I’m actually really hoping your letter is a joke written by someone very witty taking the piss, but just incase it isn’t (and it looks like it isn’t) and you are real I hope you will open your eyes and ears to the wider world beyond your parents doctrine. Your strike me as a bright individual who could go far but is being limited by not being given access to a quality education. I’m in favour of home education when it works but in your case I fear it is badly badly failing you, and that’s not right.

I wish you every success in your future.




Dear Ladies with Labia- love your lips.

Dear Ladies with Labia,

Been thinking alot about this lately since I stumbled across this letter to the GMC from Lippy Girl.  Previously I have just shrugged my shoulders a bit about labiaplasty after all- who am I to judge?- I had an outsized pair on my body reduced too (breasts) and I am loathe to be hypocritical.  However the amount of women having breast reductions in last 2009-2011 has increased by 6% whereas Labiaplasty increased by 70% in just 2008-2009. (these were the only figures I could get hold of in my limited googling time- shout if you have more up to date ones).

So what has happened to make women, in dramatically increasing numbers,  so ashamed of their labia they are driven to have them cut down to size? Most people suspect “porn perfect”  and the “pornification of our culture” is to blame, and sadly I suspect they are correct.   What I don’t understand is that as an adult no-one should see your genitals unless it is someone you trust, and if any of them were to make fun of your most intimate parts then what the hell are you doing with them!? That is a bit different to me with my massive norks there was no hiding my huge breasts- despite my best efforts with dark v-necks, bra’s with supreme engineering and hunched shoulders.  I do appreciate the  media do like to go on about “camel toe” but that is a problem more easily solved (and much cheaper) by adapting a wardrobe not adapting your genitals.

I recently heard Labiaplasty be referred to as Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) – and in fact it could be considered Type 2 “Excision: partial or total removal of the clitoris and the labia minora, with or without excision of the labia majora.”, and given that FGM has been illegal in the UK since 1985 then I find it fascinating that such a surgery is legal and on the increase.  I appreciate there are  differences in that FGM is carried out on (usually non-consenting/lack of informed consent) girls under 15 as a harmful traditional practice often using unsterilised knives and no anaesthetic, whereas Labiaplasty will involve consent, sterile equipment and anaesthesia (and is unlikely to involve removal of the clitoris), however the chilling comparison is that it is removing part of your genitals for your culture. How can you actively choose to do something to yourself that currently 24000 girls are at risk of in the UK (&140million girls worldwide are living with the consequences of FGM) !?

I know I may sound a hypocrite having had part of my “secondary sexual characteristics” removed but it wasn’t for a porny sexual attractiveness reason, I actually wanted to reduce their “sexual signposting”- I had big breasts therefore “I was easy”, “I was a slut”, “I was up for it”. I hated that so often I was reduced to being a pair of talking breasts. A result of the surgery was that my confidence did increase massively and I probably felt (and hence became) more “sexy” as a result. however a side effect of the surgery  was that the sexual responsiveness of my breasts has been reduced on one side with permanent nerve damage.  I am okay with that as I was incredibly lucky I still have one fully functioning nipple and I can breastfeed from both sides- with the added bonus of the numb side not hurting as much if I get a breastfeeding nipple crack!

Ladies with larger labia- we should all be massively jealous of you- you have more highly sensitive tissue and therefore most probably will be having a much more exciting pleasurable time of it 😉 to remove that tissue WILL most likely reduce its sexual function, so to do it for sex reasons (as lets face it you are only doing it for your partner or for your own confidence naked) you are sexually crippling yourself for a “sexy porn perfect” appearance.   I find this so sad.

So ladies with labia of whatever size, love them- get a mirror, check them out. They are beautiful. Go see the Great Wall of Vagina (technically Vulva but obviously not as snappy ;), if your partner doesn’t like your labia- get a new partner (because he/she is a pathetic shallow image obsessed fuckwit and you can do so much better).  If after doing the and some counselling and a lot of thought about the procedure and the consequences of it, you still want to proceed then I cannot judge as I understand the mental and physical distress outsize body parts can cause, but do it for you and not for a partner and most definitely not for society/porn expectations of the “perfect cunt”.

Whatever the size and shape of your cunt, it’s yours and it’s beautiful.

Lots of Labia Loving Love



Dear Parents of 9month old babies considering your next sized carseat

Dear Parents of 9month old babies considering your next sized carseat,

Did you know that keeping your child rearfacing in their stage 1 carseat (the one after the Stage 0 newborn -9months old so from birth) is FIVE times safer than moving them forward facing from 9months? This is because in a forward collision the impact pushes them back into their seat instead of forwards- forward facers in a collision are 90% more likely to suffer serious injuries and are more likely to break their necks/die. 😦

The reason so many people don’t know this or use them is because rear facing carseats are rarer and can be more expensive. Forward Facing from 9months is the more dangerous “norm” in this country (In Scandinavia not so).

When I found out about this I insisted Oddler went into a rear facing carseat from when she outgrew her stage 0 at about 10.5months. After doing some research we bought online the Britax Two Way Elite from the incredibly helpful InCare Safety Centre (We used the videos online to help make sure we installed it properly). It cost £200 so £100 more than what we were anticipating spending on a carseat but we had my parents buy it for Oddler’s christmas present and the fact it would last her until 4 (25kgs) and had the possibility of going forward facing if she got to an age she hated to be rear facing then we thought this was the best option for us (we also dont have Isofix in our car).

Oddler is almost two and a half and she is totally happy being in a rear facing carseat even on long journeys. People often say “Oh but she can’t see what is going on” but that is rubbish- she has an entire unobstructed view out of the back window and can see out of the sides. They often seem suprised my toddler is still rear facing like I am “babying” her. The safety facts I pass on soon shuts them up, although I do feel bad when it’s other parents who have forward facing carseats- I don’t want to make people feel bad about the carseat they chose (especially when so few people know abour rear facing safety) but more to educate people in the safest option and get the word out there.

Yes there are very minor downsides to keeping her rearfacing- I can’t see what she is upto even if I turn around (not while driving!) but this is easily fixed by putting a mirror on the seat headrest in front of her so I can see out of my rearview mirror without turning around- so again that makes it safer than if she was forward facing as I would have to turn around for her. Also when she had a dummy to sleep for car journeys she would also often lose it down the side of the seat and we would have to stop to be able to rescue it for her but I think it would be similar if she was forward facing, she has got rid of the dummy now so it is no longer an issue. These are very minor niggles compared to the absolutely massive safety advantages. Plus it is easier to get her in and out of the carseat as you are putting her in the same way the car door opens, so no bracing yourself against the car door opened at its max to strap her in.

A few months ago I thought Oddler was getting too big for her rearfacing seat and I was worried I was going to have to turn her forward facing, she is in the 99.9th Centile and the size of a hefty (NOT FAT!) three year old. I tweeted my worries and PHEW- the lovely @13Loki who has the same carseat told me there is a part of the base that folds out and when you do this suddenly there is a heck of a lot more leg room for them. Hurrah- so Oddler is now safe in that carseat for another year at least. Annoyingly I have had my babies close together so in 6months or so we will need to buy another rear facing seat as Oddler won’t be ready to move up to the next stage car seat by the time Omble needs it, but never mind twill be a Christmas present from us all. It is so annoying these car seats are so expensive which is another reason for my post. The more consumer demand for these car seats there is, the more common these car seats are, the cheaper they will become. We need to demand more places stock them and they are much more affordable for all.

This post was fired up by reading yet more blogs/forum threads/ twitter discussions of parents moving their babies forward facing at 9months “so they can see the world” even if they haven’t grown out of their existing rear facing carseat (once the head extends over the top of the carseat is when they have outgrown it NOT when their legs extend out of the bottom- legs can bend) when there is a much safer better option. 😦

If you found this information helpful please do pass it on, or pass on the links. I can be a bit evangelical about rear facing carseats (this isn’t a sponsored post by the way in any shape or form- haha can you imagine an PR wanting to get involved with my phallic avatar and vaginal yeast infection name- Methinks not- this blog will only ever have me rambling about stuff I love for no gain whatsoever (like this and will publish my dear Mooncup one soon!), in fact I hope I don’t bring any of my fave brands into disrepute with my Curdy ways! ;))

Lots of Love



Oddler in her carseat

Dear Ladies with Curd

Dear Ladies with Curd,

Okay so my name inadvertently relates to Candida Albicans so I feel in an excellent position to discuss more about the issue of Ladies and their various curds at differing times of the month.

The reason I am writing this letter to you is because recently there has been a outpouring of rage towards Femfresh and their Woo Hoo for your Froo Froo Campaign.  I particularly liked @Glosswitch’s, @Stavvers @girlonthenet (1&2@CathyBussey and @allotmentmumresponses. This is also well worth a read about what the male equivalent wash might be!

Rather than repeat the same rants (which I wholeheartedly agree with), I feel a little bit of education is needed about LadyCurd. Well okay okay will stop calling it Curd incase it is putting you off your lemon curd on toast, your vanilla yoghurt, your organic houmous (ladies if the contents of your knickers are like any of the aforementioned foodstuffs then get thee to a doctor).

When trying to decide terminology other than “LadyCurd”,  @other_red helped me with the following brilliant suggestions: “lady liquids”,  “womanly waters”, “feminine fluids”, (and the especially brilliant late additions of “Cunt Custard” &”Gash Gravy”), all of which I love but think I shall stick with the non-alliterative yet scientific “vaginal fluid” (I could also call it “vaginal discharge” or “vaginal secretions” but personally I prefer vaginal fluid).

Now ladies, vaginal fluid is an entirely normal and natural state of affairs.  The amount and consistency of fluid your vagina (well more technically the cervix) produces will vary dependent on the time of the month. As a very rough guide:

Day 1-7ish Can be Blood as your womb lining is shed (your period), a brownish fluid (tale end of period) or a thicker milky fluid once bleeding has ceased.

Day 8-12ish  maybe dry or clear and watery

Day 13ish-16ish Thick “eggwhite” jelly like – this is a fertile mucus produced by the cervix, it is a sign your body is gearing up to ovulate. The last day you see this mucus is likely to be the day you ovulate.

Day 16ish-24ish often “wetter” at this point of the month- more clear and watery fluid

Day 24ish- 28ish Often a more thicker white slightly milky fluid in the build up to your next period.

Obviously your cycle maybe longer or shorter than this, and you may ovulate earlier or later than this, therefore the types of fluid your body produces may not follow this exact pattern but can help as a guide for what to expect. Remember things like how much exercise you do, how much sex you are having (and if it is using a condom or not), whether you use tampons or not, may affect your vaginal fluid quantity and consistency.

If the fluid your vagina is producing is strong smelling, itchy, yellow or green then this indicates an infection is most likely present and you will need to go to your doctor for treatment.

Common infections include:

Thrush – Candida Albicans– a yeast infection that produces a thick curd like yeasty smelling discharge

Bacteria Vaginosis– An overgrowth of bacteria- Produces fishy smelling greyish discharge.

Trichomonas Vaginalis– A parasitic infection- causing a green frothy foul smelling discharge (I learnt about this one at university- my lecturer used the exact phrase “green frothy foul smelling discharge” it kind of sticks in your head!)

Now why am I telling you all this in relation to Feminine Hygeine Products? CuntCleansers? Your reproductive tract is an amazing self cleansing organ, it naturally has a delicate balance of micro-organisms in it- this is entirely normal and healthy. Washing them away with soaps even ones specially designed for the vagina basically washes all the good bacteria away allowing the more harmful bacteria or yeast organisms to increase.   All your vagina needs is water and a clean hand. Using such products will potentially increase your infections which may make you feel unclean and want to wash more- by using such products you are creating a vicious cycle for yourself.

So ladies- please do the following:

Be aware of what fluids are normal and natural for your vagina, don’t take over the counter treatments for Thrush, Bacterial Vaginosis etc unless you are positive you have it (preferably with confirmation by a swab at the doctors) this is because any treatment- antibiotics or anti-fungals will then again affect the delicate balance of the Vaginal flora and it is not uncommon for women to ping pong between vaginal thrush and bacterial vaginosis as they over treat and use vaginal washes etc.

Wear cotton pants and give your undercarriage a good airing from time to time.

Wipe from front to back to avoid transferring fecal bacteria.

Don’t use vaginal douches.

Don’t use Femfresh, Lactacyd, Vagisil or any other ridiculous product designed for your fanjo.

Do all this and you too can have a “Happy Vagina”, “A Merry MaryLou”, “A Footloose Foof”, “A Gleeful Gash” (With thanks to @other_red for those suggestions!) and that truly is “Woo Hoo for your Frou Foo“. NOTHING ELSE.

Lots of love


P.S This post is based from knowledge in my head because being LadyCurd I am dead interested in LadyCurd, but I ain’t a medical professional and this letter does not constitute medical advice. Any concerns about your own LadyCurd Please please see your GP.

P.P.S If you ever read on an internet site that a home remedy for thrush is to insert a garlic clove wrapped in a muslin- for the love of your vagina- DON’T DO IT. All that will happen is you will have a Garlicky Gash for weeks and weeks afterwards. It will be most unpleasant. Not that I am the voice of experience on that one or anything. Ahem.

Not quite what I meant by Normal Fanjo Flora

Dear Vagina

Dear Vagina,

As usual I am writing to the female anatomy. One might think I was obsessed or something (see here for Breasts, Vulva, Cervix, Uterus, Pelvic Floor as well as musings on gendered genital related insults).

On Friday a female politician was banned for saying “vagina” in an abortion bill debate, this has been dubbed #Vaginagate, so I suppose technically I should have called this letter #VaginaGate but the phrase has been making me giggle as I imagined a gate over the entrance to the vagina, preventing anyone from getting in or anything from getting out (unless full term) although I suppose given the subject matter, this is strangely appropriate.

One of the Republican politicians present Mike Callton said he found the word “so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.” This is a moron man holding a bachelors degree in biology- Eh!?

Since the news broke I have been reading some fabulous responses to it:

The simply brilliant Glosswitch wrote my favourite post ever on this whole affair- “Total Cunt Avoidance- we have the technology!

SonyaCisco made me laugh out loud with A nice day at the Orifice

Lisa Brown (The politician in question) has written her Vagina Monologue and will be reading it in Michigan with Eve Ensler

Naomi McAuliffe wrote that Vaginas aren’t dirty- even in Michigan

Sarah Ditum wrote Why right-wingers shouldn’t stop women saying “vagina”

So there isn’t much more for me to say other than-Dear Vagina -You are not a dirty word, you are not an offensive word, you are a lovely scientific word to describe the birth canal, you are often inappropriately used to describe the vulva, but I’m working on correcting that. I could wax lyrical for hours about the vagina but it’s getting late and LordCurd wants to go to bed so I need to get of the computer. So I shall end with Vaginas are completely amazing and wonderful and I am shortly going to be writing a very detailed informative letter to women about vaginal secretions (LadyCurd by name, LadyCurd by nature). So watch this space (oh and I will totally publish that next letter while you are eating your breakfast. Preferably yoghurt.)

Lots of muscular tubal love


P.S. If you read the gendered insults posts you will see I have a strong dislike of the word “Cunt” but I realised in those letters I did not make an important distinction, the word is absolutely foul and horrible as an insult, and I virtually never use it in such a way, because what it effectively says is “Cunts (ie. Vaginas) are disgusting scum of the earth, lowest of low, vilest of vile”. However I am also inclined to agree with the person the lovely @SarahDitum wrote about in this article “During sex I’ll accept ‘pussy’ but my preference is ‘cunt’.” I have no problem at all with actual vaginas being called cunts, after all “Vagina” doesn’t really “roll off the tongue” in the heat of the moment now does it. 😉

Dear Equal Marriage

Dear Equal Marriage,

I want you to know that you in no way threaten my marriage or family life (what an utterly ridiculous notion!), and all those fools who think otherwise are the sorts of idiots who shouldn’t be allowed to get married or procreate and then we might end up with a world full of tolerant and respectful people who know that marriage should be between two people who love each other regardless of gender.

In fact Chief Justice Margaret Goodridge summarised it much better than me

From “Goodridge Vs. Department of Health” by Massachusetts Supreme Court Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall
Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations….Without question, civil marriage enhances the “welfare of the community.” It is a “social institution of the highest importance.”

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family…. Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.

We had that reading at our own wedding it was awesome (and nicely subversive for the more “traditional” homophobic relatives present as guests.)

Anyhow marriage equality is so important. Yes the UK has civil partnerships but they are bloody well marriages and should be called as such.

All’s left to say is “if you are against same sex marriage, don’t marry someone of the same sex” (Wonda Sykes). Sorted.

Lot’s of love


P.S Please please please fill in the government consultation on equal marriage. You can do so here . Don’t let the bigots win this one!

Dear Parents and Carers- re. Ann Summers

Dear Parents and Carers*,
So Ann Summers has caused a furore by their really grim “I-scream” campaign.  Already lots of blog posts on it here, here, here, here, here and here. Rather than replicate the other fine posts on it, I was having musings of a slightly different angle.
When I was about 7ish I saw some people with bald heads giving away free papers. Knowing how much my dad loved free papers to make spills for our fire, I pulled his arm and drew attention to the men with the free papers, “Daddy daddy, free papers- let’s get some!”.  My dad pulled me away and explained that those skinheaded men were actually neo-nazi’s or the BNP (if it existed back then) and the free papers they were handing out were going to be horribly racist and he would never take them, not even to burn on our fire.**   When my dad explained what the newspapers were I distinctly remember claiming I wanted to go and get one and burn it in front of them (yes I was a 7 year old political activist, I was a member of the Woodcraft Folk- we kept trying trying to free Nelson Mandela- I knew that racist shit was wrong.) Yes, my dad did pull me away in case my 7year old head got kicked in- or his for having such a bolshy daughter!
But my point is this- yes kids are going to see unpleasant things on the high street. It’s unfortunate but true. The very existence of Ann Summers on the high street may need explaining at some point. As it happens I live very near a sex toy warehouse (as you do!), the sign outside makes it fairly clear what the company is.  We walk past it most days and at some point the kids will ask what the sign means, and I will tell them, an age appropriate version of the truth, “they sell toys for grownups” or something.  What I am trying to say is that yes Ann Summers is wrong and grim for this particular campaign but we can’t let such things abdicate  our responsibility as parents to explain controversial things they may question us about.   If anything it highlights the increasing need for parents to be prepared and equip themselves for such difficult conversations.
Don’t get me wrong I do think Ann Summers are disgustingly cynical for running this particular grim campaign, but I think we are all falling into exactly the publicity trap they want by getting so hysterical about it.  It’s the Daily Mail Technique all over again. Ann Summer’s couldn’t give a stuff that “the mums” are up in arms about it- we are not really their core target audience- they really want the bright young things, the 18-30-somethings yet to settle down the ones still actually having sex because they haven’t got kids, the ones who don’t want to be “the stuffy prudish mummy types”, so by alienating us, they increase their core rating with their chosen demographic. Or am I being cynical?
When pondering how to write this post, I was talking to @Itsmotherswork about the Ann Summers I Scream Advertising campaign as she is a mum and activist whose opinions I deeply respect.  She wrote the following which basically sums up exactly how I feel in a far better way than I could ever write, so I paste it below (reproduced with permission).

I think it’s deliberately provocative in a deeply unpleasant way. I think it draws together themes/images of sexuality and childhood in order to provoke a reaction; it does so knowingly having seen other similarly questionable campaigns raise the profile of other brands without taking a reputational hit to their brand value, and it’s because basically the people who buy into the Ann Summers brand aren’t the same demographic as those who get apoplectic over children’s exposure to sexualised images. For that reason I think that hysterical ‘anti’ campaigning only feeds the publicity machine in a way that they will be quite happy with. I’d prefer a subdued shrug of the shoulders and a “what a pity they’re prepared to walk that line just to court publicity” stance. (There’s no other possible reason for the theme of the campaign.) I do think that parents need to be ready to explain all sorts of images and ideas to their offspring, perhaps earlier in their lives than they imagined, and I do consider that a responsibility that they should take seriously. But I absolutely don’t think that it’s a responsibility that parents should shoulder alone. In a way that means that other adults who aren’t raising children can out whatever images they like into the world and leave parents having to deal with the explanations. What I’d really like to see is the Ann Summers team who commissioned the campaign and the agency that developed it, sitting down with children and answering the questions that the children have, which the campaign provokes. I think they should be required to confront the consequences of their provocation and deal with them honestly, and ideally while the parents of the children asking the questions watch them do it, and see how they manage. 🙂

Her final point is SHEER GENIUS!  Let’s call them to account in that way. Let’s ask them to sit down with the children and answer their questions about the campaign. Let’s confront them with the reality of their advertising.  In fact maybe we should call upon the ASA to set up just such a group for all advertising, it might just help to reign in this runaway “sex sells” technique, for I personally can’t see a advertising executive being very comfortable explaining what lubricant is to a 6year old. Can you?

Yours Sincerely


P.S. *”Dear Parents and Carers” reads like a letter home from school- not sure they would ever send one like this home! but maybe schools should send letters home with tips and advice on where to get help and support to deal with difficult conversations like this?
P.P.S ** Although I distinctly remember a cheeky double standard re. not taking nasty things to burn. My dad used to put up Labour Posters everywhere during run ups to the election- and he “kindly” offered to help the Tory campaigner doing the same with his Conservative posters, by claiming he just did it as a dayjob he wasn’t affiliated to any party. The stupid arse believed him and our fire burned happily with Conservative posters for a while! HAHAH!)