Tag Archives: Vulva

Dear Femfresh

Dear Femfresh,

Have to say initially I laughed out loud reading this response to the facebook backlash to your product via @crazycolours. It took me an embarrasingly long time to realise this was a spoof response penned by the incredibly talented @Hollybrocks. Interesting to note that your Facebook page is currently AWOL.

So yeah even though this poetic response is not real I felt like responding as if it is because it’s either that or work on my job applications, so I am going to pretend to be “Offended of Roman Spa Town” and respond as a disgruntled feminist parent (however in my usual double standard way I am not going to berate for the use of the more offensive terms for the female genitals as I have come to the conclusion I have no problem with slang for body parts, I have a problem when that slang is used to describe things other than female genitals, which in this case it wasn’t.)

Being a “Wannabe Humourless Feminist” (Glosswitch beat me to it), I have decided to take issue with the response as it completely neglects to  address the fact that the product is actually irrelevant and unnecessary for vaginal health as I outlined here yesterday.  But I suppose that would be an even worse marketing campaign than Woo Hoo for your Frou Frou,  to point out that the product is utterly pointless and actually does more harm than good, so I expect that is why the spoofer (@HollyBrocks– brilliant superb amazing job) also omitted that crucial part to the response. (I wonder how Femfresh will actually ultimately respond- so far they have now responded by taking down the Facebook page!)

Being a wannabe humourless feminist mother, I did decide to take exception to part of the rhyme though. “Fuck mums and dads“- as I am a mum and I have written extensively about naming of genitals (here, here, here).  As a mum I have absolutely no problem with the correct scientific terms being used for the female reproductive organs for me and for my daughters. I refuse to euphemise them (although Oddler has euphemised “vulva” into “buddha“, but that’s okay she is only two!).  I think you may find many parents feel like me- a vagina, a vulva, a clitoris, the labia- parts of the body- nothing to be ashamed about and  we probably don’t appreciate being sworn at as part of a collective idea that all mums and dads are uncomfortable with the correct names of the genitals.  Many of us are quite comfortable with these terms, although I appreciate some are not but to be quite honest those parents need to get over themselves. IT IS A VAGINA- 51% of the worlds population has one. But that’s just something I felt the need to point out, as it made me cross, now I have to get my humourless feminist badge right? Please?

I can’t be the only mum in the world calling a vulva a vulva, a vagina a vagina, and a Spade, a diggywoowoo can I?

Yours Sincerely


Dear Buddha

Dear Buddha,

I hope you don’t mind but you appear to be Oddler’s adopted euphemism for vulva which she simply can’t pronounce at the moment. (and um “Buddha Bottom” as unfortunately I suspect nursery has been calling it “Front Bottom” sigh).

I had all this angst about the name (see here) and had decided since writing it that we definitely were going to use the proper name (virtually every bathtime is naming body parts game at the minute- she knows all the basics incredibly well and I recently also taught her armpit, ankle and vulva) but she definitely can’t say vulva it’s coming out as Buddha despite trying to work on her pronunciation and feeling very silly trying:

Me: Not quite darling “Vull Vah, now you try,
Her: “Bud Har”
Me: “Vulva”
Her: “Buddha”
(repeat ad nauseum but no improvement in pronunciation)

Of course she is now causing further angst that her name for vulva may offend Buddhists as obviously would be the absolutely last thing we’d want. We will of course be persevering with teaching her to pronouce the name correctly. Sigh.

I genuinely hope dear Buddha you will not be offended by this innocent toddler naming- after all it is a wonderful part of the human body, and although as a family we do not follow a religious faith if we did it honestly it would most likely be yours. We plan on sharing with our children all the different faith options and allowing them to choose for themselves a faith, if any, to follow. So maybe this actually is Oddler’s start on a religious path? She loves to do Yogo on Waybuloo too?

Yours faithfully


Dear Vulva

Dear Vulva,

A little story for you- My mum and 4 or 5 year old me, sat in the doctors waiting room-

– Me (Precocious reader)- “Mummy- What’s a Virginia” (How I had pronounced it not how it was spelt- Vagina)

– My Mother (a keen gardner): “Oh um its a type of plant”

– Me (Reading a Canestan leaflet): No mummy it says you need to rub cream in twice a day to solve Virginal Itching. (pronunciation was never my strong point)

– My flustered and embarrassed mother hissing: It’s a woman’s willy!

Now possibly I think my dear old mum should have thought more about the naming of the lady parts before being completely humiliated in the waiting room like that (and as you can see LadyCurd started to feature in my life from a young age ;)) and erm seriously A WOMAN’S WILLY!? Erm No just NO!

The lovely ScribblesFromTheMiddle  is going through this dilemma at the moment with her boys and this led to a discussion on twitter.  Some advocating girls bits, or vagina, or Gina (pronounced as in China not as in Ford ;)) or Yoni (Sanskrit for Vagina), and then there are a whole host of other cutesy euphemistic names (but seriously anyone who calls it “twinkle” automatically makes me think “Twinkle in your Father’s Eye- and then I want to vomit). Personally I love Fanjo but I think that’s an an adult term really (and don’t get me started on the offensive terms for female genitals that somehow carry more venom and offense than the male equivalence- in fact there is another letter in that somewhere- Dear Cock).

Now I have two girls and I am a feminist of sorts and a scientist.  It annoys me how many women are confused by their own body parts and unable to name them properly (not helped by only generally learning the internal not the external female genitals at school etc.)  Now I am not expecting my 2 year old to start realing off Labia Majora, Labia Minora etc but technically when I am talking about “Girls bits” I am talking about Vulvas and not Vaginas  as such, But I am pondering how brave I will be when it comes to naming the parts for my girls. Do I really want them to be the only girls in the playground using the anatomically correct term?  Thinking back to my playground experience- everyone at my school called it a “split” – yuk! I really don’t want my girls to be using offensive names for a part of the body I hope they will learn to love and not be embarrassed or ashamed by.

It annoys me that there is inherent sexism in that little boys can be quite happily taught “penis” as the correct word, and no-one raises an eyebrow, yet naming girls parts causes sniggering and embarrassment. Why? Why are we ashamed of our vulvas and our vaginas? Why can’t we can’t we comfortably say to our little girls in the bath or on the loo- now wash/wipe your vulva? Argh and I was ever so slightly embarrassed even just to type that! How very annoying!

I think I am coming to the conclusion that I am more comfortable with the word Vagina when even though strictly it is anatomically incorrect, it is something I can probably live with. But nargh it will rankle with me AS ITS INCORRECT- I AM TALKING ABOUT A VULVA NOT A VAGINA. Hmmmm.

So anyhow dear Vulva- I am sorry we all seem so utterly embarrassed by your existence we can’t even call you by your proper name.  It is something I am working on addressing and I definitely will be clarifying with my girls once they are old enough to understand and not completely humiliate me in a doctors waiting room or playground.

Lots of love

LadyCurd the euphemistic name for vaginal discharge in cases of thrush

P.S Best Joke Ever:

Have you got a Vulva?

No I drive a Vauxhall.

Dear Massage Advert

Dear Massage Advert,

Why do I see a vulva in you? Is it my mind or is that shoulder angle Also what a frickin weird name for a massage company! I’m wondering what type of service you actually provide. Yours Sincerely LadyCurd