Dear ASBO Baby

Dear ASBO Baby,

We are writing to inform you that your nighttime behaviour is in need of improvement, drinking all night long and displaying antisocial behaviour if moved on from your favourite drinking spot (Mummy’s All Night Milk Bar) is simply unacceptable.

We are issuing you with an ASBO. The terms are more than fair- you may enjoy a drink as much as you want til pubs close at 11, you are totally welcome to a sneaky nightcap after the clubs close at 2 and before your milk hangover kicks in you are invited to drink again from 5am.

Failing to comply with your new ASBO will result in further sanctions and may result in you being sent to Baby BootCamp.

Yours Sincerely

LadyFromTheCouncilCurd

Response:

Dear LadyFromTheCouncilCurd

I’ll do what I like &you can’t stop me, coz I’m cute and have needs and I’ll tell social services. I know me rights!

Yours

ASBO Baby

Dear Mummy’s All Night Milk Bar

Dear Mummy’s All Night Milk Bar,

I am writing to inform you that I have complained to Environmental Health about you.

By being open literally all night long instead of at specific times (eg. 11 post pub kick out and 2ish post club kick out then open for day at 6am) i have concerns you are encouraging comfort eating and continuous snacking behaviour in our youth.

I’m also worried your 24/7 open access policy is going to lead to a nervous breakdown of your only member of staff who appears to be existing on no sleep at all- you are obviously contravening the European Work Time directive (and she had better be getting at least minimum wage plus overtime and tips)

Your continuously open policy also appears to be ruining the previously nice comforting appearance of your MilkBar, those giant cracks are really not attractive and the occasional oozing blood or pus is obviously a major health and safety and food hygiene issue.

Finally I suspect Mummy’s All Night Milk Bar is being used as a doss house for unsavoury types. I believe you are encouraging antisocial behaviour in your customer base. In fact the Ginger Skinheaded one that goes by name of Omble, definitely needs an ASBO, for she is always hanging out at yours looking completely Milk Drunk or asleep within 5cm of your establishment & kicking off if you were to dare not be open. Does she not have a bed to go to!? (I do appreciate you do occasionally try to move her on to 20cm or more away from your establishment and that she completely kicks off- something must be done about her too)

I really feel these issues must be sorted urgently otherwise I think the council will have no choice but to close you down.

Yours Sincerely

Lady NIMBY* Curd

*NIMBY- Not in my Breast Yard