Dear Ladies with Curd

Dear Ladies with Curd,

Okay so my name inadvertently relates to Candida Albicans so I feel in an excellent position to discuss more about the issue of Ladies and their various curds at differing times of the month.

The reason I am writing this letter to you is because recently there has been a outpouring of rage towards Femfresh and their Woo Hoo for your Froo Froo Campaign.  I particularly liked @Glosswitch’s, @Stavvers @girlonthenet (1&2) @CathyBussey and @allotmentmumresponses. This is also well worth a read about what the male equivalent wash might be!

Rather than repeat the same rants (which I wholeheartedly agree with), I feel a little bit of education is needed about LadyCurd. Well okay okay will stop calling it Curd incase it is putting you off your lemon curd on toast, your vanilla yoghurt, your organic houmous (ladies if the contents of your knickers are like any of the aforementioned foodstuffs then get thee to a doctor).

When trying to decide terminology other than “LadyCurd”,  @other_red helped me with the following brilliant suggestions: “lady liquids”,  “womanly waters”, “feminine fluids”, (and the especially brilliant late additions of “Cunt Custard” &”Gash Gravy”), all of which I love but think I shall stick with the non-alliterative yet scientific “vaginal fluid” (I could also call it “vaginal discharge” or “vaginal secretions” but personally I prefer vaginal fluid).

Now ladies, vaginal fluid is an entirely normal and natural state of affairs.  The amount and consistency of fluid your vagina (well more technically the cervix) produces will vary dependent on the time of the month. As a very rough guide:

Day 1-7ish Can be Blood as your womb lining is shed (your period), a brownish fluid (tale end of period) or a thicker milky fluid once bleeding has ceased.

Day 8-12ish  maybe dry or clear and watery

Day 13ish-16ish Thick “eggwhite” jelly like – this is a fertile mucus produced by the cervix, it is a sign your body is gearing up to ovulate. The last day you see this mucus is likely to be the day you ovulate.

Day 16ish-24ish often “wetter” at this point of the month- more clear and watery fluid

Day 24ish- 28ish Often a more thicker white slightly milky fluid in the build up to your next period.

Obviously your cycle maybe longer or shorter than this, and you may ovulate earlier or later than this, therefore the types of fluid your body produces may not follow this exact pattern but can help as a guide for what to expect. Remember things like how much exercise you do, how much sex you are having (and if it is using a condom or not), whether you use tampons or not, may affect your vaginal fluid quantity and consistency.

If the fluid your vagina is producing is strong smelling, itchy, yellow or green then this indicates an infection is most likely present and you will need to go to your doctor for treatment.

Common infections include:

Thrush – Candida Albicans– a yeast infection that produces a thick curd like yeasty smelling discharge

Bacteria Vaginosis– An overgrowth of bacteria- Produces fishy smelling greyish discharge.

Trichomonas Vaginalis– A parasitic infection- causing a green frothy foul smelling discharge (I learnt about this one at university- my lecturer used the exact phrase “green frothy foul smelling discharge” it kind of sticks in your head!)

Now why am I telling you all this in relation to Feminine Hygeine Products? CuntCleansers? Your reproductive tract is an amazing self cleansing organ, it naturally has a delicate balance of micro-organisms in it- this is entirely normal and healthy. Washing them away with soaps even ones specially designed for the vagina basically washes all the good bacteria away allowing the more harmful bacteria or yeast organisms to increase.   All your vagina needs is water and a clean hand. Using such products will potentially increase your infections which may make you feel unclean and want to wash more- by using such products you are creating a vicious cycle for yourself.

So ladies- please do the following:

Be aware of what fluids are normal and natural for your vagina, don’t take over the counter treatments for Thrush, Bacterial Vaginosis etc unless you are positive you have it (preferably with confirmation by a swab at the doctors) this is because any treatment- antibiotics or anti-fungals will then again affect the delicate balance of the Vaginal flora and it is not uncommon for women to ping pong between vaginal thrush and bacterial vaginosis as they over treat and use vaginal washes etc.

Wear cotton pants and give your undercarriage a good airing from time to time.

Wipe from front to back to avoid transferring fecal bacteria.

Don’t use vaginal douches.

Don’t use Femfresh, Lactacyd, Vagisil or any other ridiculous product designed for your fanjo.

Do all this and you too can have a “Happy Vagina”, “A Merry MaryLou”, “A Footloose Foof”, “A Gleeful Gash” (With thanks to @other_red for those suggestions!) and that truly is “Woo Hoo for your Frou Foo“. NOTHING ELSE.

Lots of love

LadyNoLongerCurdySinceIFollowedMyOwnAdviceCurd

P.S This post is based from knowledge in my head because being LadyCurd I am dead interested in LadyCurd, but I ain’t a medical professional and this letter does not constitute medical advice. Any concerns about your own LadyCurd Please please see your GP.

P.P.S If you ever read on an internet site that a home remedy for thrush is to insert a garlic clove wrapped in a muslin- for the love of your vagina- DON’T DO IT. All that will happen is you will have a Garlicky Gash for weeks and weeks afterwards. It will be most unpleasant. Not that I am the voice of experience on that one or anything. Ahem.

Not quite what I meant by Normal Fanjo Flora

Dear Pus

Dear Pus,

I have a shameful secret, I am addicted to you, there is just something about squeezing out your foulness that nothing else can beat. Be you greeny yellow thick cream or curdled cottage cheese I love all your varieties*. The more the better. I was even slightly disappointed to have clear skin as a teenager- the rare “time of the month” spot would bring great joy.

I know I am not alone in this disgusting addiction. I have favourited seen many a YouTube pusporn video and you only have to “sound klaxon” on mumsnet for many other pustastic fans to come scuttling out from their stores of magnesium sulphate paste and sterilised needles.

But yes I bet you are wondering what has prompted me to admit this shameful secret- well partly isn’t the first step admitting you have a problem? (incidentally why isn’t there a PAA- pus addicts anonymous?) but the real reason I am writing this is it turns out that my “Dear Sweat” post illness was caused by a Nasty breast infection – mastitis. I only realised this when I squeezed a load of your gross loveliness right out of my boob! Of course I have had to go and get antibiotics to kick you back into touch for Omble’s sake (poor mite must be getting pus flavoured breastmilk but am assured I can, nay must, feed her off the infected side) but in the meantime I have had a whale of a time squeezing what is effectively the world’s biggest & best spot. Have had so much pus-y fun, it cheered me up no end and made me feel so much better. I am sure it hastened my recovery. In fact I was somewhat disappointed you ran out so quickly- now I have sore boobs from squeezing them so much and despite hitting myself in the eye with breastmilk on several occasions I am ceasing to get any pus yield at all. My pus mine has run dry. 😦

So for now it’s back to watching videos on YouTube of boil lancing, spot squeezing and the odd bit of abscess drainage (new converts start with this one). But one day I know you will return to my body and we can enjoy some quality squeezing time.

Pussily yours
LadyCurd

P.S please don’t make Oddler&Omble spotty teenagers- I may scar them mentally and physically with this addiction of mine.

*nearly put flavours there- but um no what kind of a freak do you think I am!