Dear Quick Witted Parents of Toddlers,
I need some advice. This morning I asked Oddler to pick up her shoes and put them in the shoe rack. This is what happened:
Me: “Pick up your shoes and put them in the rack, please Oddler”
Me: “I’m going to count to five and if you don’t put them in the shoe rack then I will put them in the bin.”
Oddler: “NO, MY PUTEM IN DA BIN, MY DO IT, MY DO IT” (Cue tantrum as she wanted to put her shoes in bin, not me)
Me: “Arsebiscuits” Outwitted by the toddler again.
To those parents cleverer than me, how do you stop yourself parenting into a corner?
Lots of Love
Dear Parents of Potty Training Toddlers,
This is a public service announcement. I am sharing this story with you so you don’t make the same mistake I made this afternoon.
My toddler is incredibly good at going on the loo for wees and usually poo, but today the inevitable happened. A giant shit of epic proportions filled her tiny pants. In removing said pants something rather catastrophic occurred, I lay her down as I would to remove a nappy and somehow, in trying to take the poo filled pants off I somehow created a knicker catapult with the stetchy pants around my toddlers legs. My toddler wriggled as I was holding onto the pants, jerking them out of my hand. I watched in horror as the poo was flung forward at force towards my toddlers
face belly and landed with a splat. Of course she screamed and jerked about trying to get the huge round portion of poo off her belly which only caused it to roll further around leaving a smeary fecal trail. This was all going on in slow motion, as I tried desperately to grab at the poo with a wet wipe. There were tears as I was crying with laughter and it required extensive cleanup and a bath.
It was rather traumatic for all concerned and really could have all been solved if I had been clever enough to take the poo filled pants off her while she stood up, instead of lying her down. For the love of easy cleanup NEVER EVER LIE YOUR TODDLER DOWN TO TAKE OFF SHITTY PANTS UNLESS YOU INTEND TO CUT THEM OUT OF THEM.
Oddler proving the stretchy catapult capabilities with a clean pair. You have been warned!
Dear Ginger Haters,
Bugger off from finding my blog with your stupid search terms. You are looking in the wrong place. I am a Ginger Lover and proud (Literally as LordCurd is the most handsome Ginger Man ever- he looks like a Ginger James McAvoy
shall ignore the people who disagree, I love him a heck of a lot and if I was a Mills &Booner I would describe myself as his Lover (more interesting than Wife innit)).
I am also a Ginger Gene Carrier and very proud of my ability to produce Beautiful Ginger and Strawberry Blonde Babies so far…. So please don’t happen upon my blog by searching “I hate ginger babies”, because all that will invoke is my bile and vitriol towards you along with some telepathic painful incurable infectious itchy curdy discharge thoughts.
Effectively Gingerism is an “acceptable” form of racism- and it is just not on. Makes me furious, and if anyone dares be mean to my beautiful Ginger Baby– beware the Wrath of the Curd descending on your backside with incredible force.
Shall rant off with Tim Minchin singing about Prejudice.
P.S Anyone else notice that apple autocorrect will capitalise White, Black and Ginger but no other colour. Interesting.
Posted in Just a rant, LadyCurd, LordCurd, Oddler, Omble, Things I Love
Tagged Baby, Ginger, Hair, James McAvoy, Red hair, Tim Minchin, Toddler
Dear Oddler Grown Up Girl,
Yesterday I saw this tweet:
This morning, as I was watching you get ready today for nursery, I got a lump in my throat. You are growing up so fast and if I blink you have changed again. You have chucked the dummies (dada’s), you are nearly toilet (refused potties!)trained (good job too as you are growing out of size 6 nappies and they don’t do a size 7!). Your speech and understanding is fantastic for your age. Much as your tantrums can be trying, you are fast making sense of the world and your role in it. I am finding myself missing you as a smiley gurgling baby, or you as a wobbly hesitant first stepper.
I can’t believe how fast the last two and a half years have flown and how much has changed in that time. I love watching you grow up but each day I see you take a step further away from me, but that’s okay as I know you have a piece of my heart with you, loving you and protecting you.
I love you and your sister with everything I have, and no matter what, however old you are, you will always be my beautiful baby girls.
So much love
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Off to work I go
Dear International Spy Oddler,
I am so excited you appear to be taking after your Grandfather (International Spy Dad).
Good at attempting to escape solitary confinement
Handy with weapons.
Always on phone sorting assignments.
Master of Disguise
“I shall say dis onlee once”
I can’t wait to see you grow up to be the most amazing feminist Bond the world has ever seen.
Lots of Love
P.S Currently you are staring in “OddlerCurd the Girl with The Golden Dummy” but hopefully tonight we have managed to get to to sleep without it. SpyGirls don’t have Dummies.
Dear Amazing Mummy,
Have another sticker.
Love LordCurd (“GuestPost”*)
P.S From LadyCurd- originally this letter didn’t take the sticker chart quite in the spirit which it was intended. I added a P.S to the original but I decided in the end to rewrite it how I should have taken it, coz it’s my blog and I can rewrite history like that if I want too. Also since I earned another sticker 😉 I can now continue gathering evidence of being an amazing mummy if social services ever pop by. *preens*
*P.P.S This is a lie, LadyCurd wrote it.
Dear Oddler and Omble Monkeys,
Being twins it has been hard to tell you apart for a while now. You were bought as a present for each of your owners. Omble Monkey you were a present to Omble Owner from Oddler Sister. Oddler Monkey you were a present to Oddler Owner from your brand new Omble Sister. You had jumpers bought for you but in the mayhem of Oddler Owner being a classic two year old and Omble Owner being a classic newborn, your jumpers were not labelled until today. It only cost £2 and I am very pleased we can now tell the both of you apart.
Oddler Owner has only just stopped calling you “Ooh Ooh Ah Ow” (make monkey noise you will see) and now calls you monkey. Omble Owner just looks at you confused and tries to chew your ear. You are pretty much as big as her after all. There was a funny moment today when Oddler Monkey apparently “bit” Omble Monkey so Oddler Owner insisted Oddler Monkey went on the naughty step and then had to come back and say sorry. Then they all had a cuddle. She’s quite the disciplinarian my Oddler!
I may get you a few more Oddler/Omble outfits because I have to say you look rather cute. What do you think?
Lot’s of Love