Dear Future Hosts

Dear Future Hosts,

This weekend I have a houseguest, the lovely @MissMolecules. Before I go and stay with her she needs to learn what a freak I am about food so she doesn’t break any of the rules. My other closest friends and husband have spent years memorising these rules mostly by trial and error so I thought it would be useful to document them here so I can email it to all future hosts and never be invited anywhere ever again.

Tomato ketchup can only ever be on the side of the plate and only ever for chips, smileys, potato croquettes, waffles and other synethic potato products. Must never ever ever be used for mashed, boiled or baked potatoes ever.

Sausage baps must have ketchup, bacon baps must never have ketchup.

Fried eggs can never ever touch tomato ketchup or beans same bridge with other safe foods must be built.

If you have baked beans with something they must never ever touch anything potatoey, in fact a bridge needs to be built with other food such as sausages.

However there is an exception to this potato tomato bean juice rule that I have recently added- baked potatoes must have cheese and beans.

If you have a roast dinner then gravy can go over potatoes and meat but must never go over any veg (to be fair my best friend will only have raw veg eg. Cauliflower in a side bowl with her roasts so I’m not that bad!)

If I have a hot drink I can only drink it if there is a spoon in it, I like to say its the adrenalin of possibly having my eye poked out which adds a zest to my dull life but actually it’s because I hate my drink getting sweeter as I reach the bottom.

Thankfully the lovely LordCurd has memorised all of these- I asked him if I had missed any off he said “vegetables touching anything, ever, including the plate” he may have a point!

Having read this I’m sure you have concluded three things: a) I am a strange individual
b) I am a pain in the arse guest
c) I have the diet of an unhealthy child

You are correct all counts.

But invite me anyway, I can more than make up for my faddy ways by my plethora of dirty anecdotes, or something.

Lots of love

LadyFoodFreakCurd

Dear Ikea

Dear Ikea,

It has got to the point that I consider a trip to you to be a “grand day out” (is this normal in the +30 age demographic?). We always begin such a grand day with a meal in the “restaurant” which let’s face it is a canteen. Today I had my usual of a bread roll and a bowl of chips but I eschewed my usual Daim cake in favour of the “Swedish Trio” (in my mind a Swedish Trio is ALOT more fun). Hmm not sure I will be so adventurous again- a bakewell tart thing with no jam is an affront to a British town- these are strange Swedish jamless ways. The peculiar green marzipan rum tasting thing was ok (being recently deprived of alcohol for 9months means anything with a hint gets my vote), but the coffee coconut snowball thing- bleugh. No just no.

Anyhow have to say I love the fact you had a nursing room in the restaurant. I’m not that fussed about breastfeeding in public so didn’t use it but bravo for you creating the space.

I love how child friendly you are, with all the kiddy food stations with free bibs etc. &the loo’s with potties etc. I suppose you officially know you are a grown up when you like these things AND are the proud owner of an Ikea family card (which gets you a free coffee- bonus!)

Of course I came away with more than I went in (but no tealights- one must draw the line somewhere) and even managed to get a replacement part for our shoerack which has gone wonky. So I just thought you might want to know what a nice day out we had in your huge blue corrugated iron building, we’ll come again soon.

Cheers

LadyCurd