Category Archives: Things I Hate

Dear Dad, Margaret Thatcher has died.


Dear Dad,

Just to let you know Margaret Thatcher died. I don’t believe in heaven or hell but if you do happen to bump into her in the afterlife, I’m sure you would be kind due to her dementia even though I know how much you utterly hated the woman and the devastation she wrought on the mining community you hailed from. Your dad was a miner but died before she came into power- I think you were glad of he never got to see what happened to the village you grew up in.

I don’t think it’s nice to crow over someones death, I’d be sad if anyone was happy you died, even if you did have a knack of deliberately rubbing people up the wrong way sometimes.

I’m not happy she died, if anything her dying has bought my own grief for you up. She was always in the periphery of my childhood and so I remember happier but hard and worrying times in the eighties growing up. I remember being very scared when the Falkland war started as I was convinced I’d have to be an evacuee, and we were about to get bombed! This was despite the fact we lived in rural Midlands.  My primary school history lessons clearly had some kind of an impact.

I also remember we all knew she stole our milk but then I never really understood that one- we had to pay 10p for a carton of slightly warm milk or a glass of apple juice at breaktime and when in year6 me and a few other girls were made milk monitors and were allowed a free drink for our troubles- except we kept nicking more and more milk and juice and the profits went down.  Given I also wanted to be the next woman prime minister in Y6 maybe she had had more of an impact on me than I thought….

I don’t really remember joining you in solidarity on the miners strikes but I still have the picture from then (and you assure me I met and charmed Arthur Scargill aged three or four!). We still have the jigsaw somewhere made from this picture that mum got from saving up coupons from marmite jars. She would never let us actually do the jigsaw incase we lost a piece. It was recording history!

Anyhow. You’ve gone, She’s gone, Joe’s gone, Both sets of Grandma and Grandpa’s have gone, Becci’s gone, Sam next door went yesterday, one day we will all be gone, ashes to ashes and all that.

Death- bit shit really.

Miss you dad.

LadyC

Dear PMT


Dear PMT,
Can say as I’ve missed you in the year and a half of being pregnant and breastfeeding and before that you only re-emerged a few times post being pregnant and breastfeeding so I have mostly had over 3years of being PMT free.

I definitely don’t suffer as badly as some women I know, and I know how lucky I am to have had no major issues with PMT or periods or depression in general, but today I am weepy. Weepy for my dad, weepy for death, weepy for my girls being so awesome and growing up so fast, weepy for LordCurd coming to give me a cuddle to cheer me up. I know this will pass in a day or so I will be absolutely fine again, but today I am going to indulge me and my hormones and just weep as I need too.

Pass the tissues.

LadyCurd

P.S if you have any tips on how to vanquish you then do pass them my way. Ta.

Dear Angst Bombs


Dear Angst Bombs,

An Angst Bomb dropped last week.

On my head.

Normally I let the worries of the world wash over me, having a relentlessly cheerful “Twill all be fine” attitude.  Remaining upbeat and positive even when things are pretty shitty is actually something I pride myself on and has got me through some pretty tough times. Maybe before I just selectively ignored what was going on?

Last week I found myself utterly overwhelmed by the world.  I was filled with helpless rage and relentless worry, so much so I had to take a break from my twitter timeline (although admittedly I still tweeted and replied to @mentions) and all other forms of news as I just could not take any more.

Some of the things that worried me (and are still worrying me) about the world are-

  • Abortion rights in a world where some men claim your body can stop you from getting pregnant if its a “legitimate rape”.
  • The complete lack of understanding that a terrifying amount of people have about what consent actually is and rape or sexual assault are.
  • The debt, the cuts, unemployment, the rich getting richer the poor getting poorer. The prospect of Europe going bust.
  • The increasing inequalities in this country faced by women, children and young people, anyone non white, anyone non heterosexual for the benefit of the white heterosexual rich man.
  • The dismantling of our NHS
  • The powers that be shitting all over education and our young people.
  • Climate Change and food shortages.
  • War, famine, disease, greed, evil etc.
  • The ever increasing cost of living
  • The arseholes running our country- wiping themselves all over us and then flushing us down the pan.
  • All this that my daughters have to look forward to and grow up in. I don’t want this world for them. I want a better one.

It all came to a head when I found myself shrieking to LordCurd “and the potatoes- the poor potatoes!”, as my angst levels reached a new height when reading about how the potato blight had affected the farmers supplying our veg box due to this terrible summer.   He has been taking the piss ever since, and I realised I needed to take a break from the world (including my veg box leaflet) and not get all consumed by my rage and my panic at what is going on in the world as otherwise I will be rendered utterly incapable of doing anything about it.

I want positive change, I want things to stop feeling so futile, I want to stop feeling so angry but I also feel incredibly helpless about how to achieve any of that and worry about burn out if I don’t learn how to defuse these angst bombs so I can keep on raging and not end up with angst fatigue which renders me incapable anyway.

So if you could send the de-fusion blueprint to assist with this current situation that would be marvellous. Alternatively if we could harness the energy of my angst bombs to make green energy for all, and the resultant Nobel prize I would obviously get awarded would assist in me easily being elected to president of the world, whereupon I would immediately sort all the shit out and make it a better place for all. That would be lovely.

Thanks.

LadyTickingAngstBombCurd

P.S I realise my list makes me sound a bit of a twat- I probably should have included did also worry about what I was cooking for tea, why Oddler keeps biting me, how much Peppa Pig is too much Peppa Pig, whether we have nits again, whether Omble had a form of epilepsy as she seems vacant sometimes and has virtually no fontanelle and a funny shaped skull!? Whether my tooth was going to fall out due to gum issue caused by tongue piercing, and so on and so on and many other day to day worries that comes with living a life….

Dear Mad Seagull Lady


Dear Mad Seagull Lady,

We know you hate Seagulls but I think it is a touch paranoid to think your daughter has been possessed by them.

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She was only pretending a banana skin was a seagull, it actually shows clever imaginative play rather than possession.

Keep on hating the seagulls though, just try and be less paranoid.

Love
LadyAlterEgoOfMadSeagullLadyThusPossiblyMultiplePersonalityDisorderOnTopOfTheDelusionalParanoiarunsinthefamilyCurd

Dear Femfresh


Dear Femfresh,

Have to say initially I laughed out loud reading this response to the facebook backlash to your product via @crazycolours. It took me an embarrasingly long time to realise this was a spoof response penned by the incredibly talented @Hollybrocks. Interesting to note that your Facebook page is currently AWOL.

So yeah even though this poetic response is not real I felt like responding as if it is because it’s either that or work on my job applications, so I am going to pretend to be “Offended of Roman Spa Town” and respond as a disgruntled feminist parent (however in my usual double standard way I am not going to berate for the use of the more offensive terms for the female genitals as I have come to the conclusion I have no problem with slang for body parts, I have a problem when that slang is used to describe things other than female genitals, which in this case it wasn’t.)

Being a “Wannabe Humourless Feminist” (Glosswitch beat me to it), I have decided to take issue with the response as it completely neglects to  address the fact that the product is actually irrelevant and unnecessary for vaginal health as I outlined here yesterday.  But I suppose that would be an even worse marketing campaign than Woo Hoo for your Frou Frou,  to point out that the product is utterly pointless and actually does more harm than good, so I expect that is why the spoofer (@HollyBrocks- brilliant superb amazing job) also omitted that crucial part to the response. (I wonder how Femfresh will actually ultimately respond- so far they have now responded by taking down the Facebook page!)

Being a wannabe humourless feminist mother, I did decide to take exception to part of the rhyme though. “Fuck mums and dads“- as I am a mum and I have written extensively about naming of genitals (here, here, here).  As a mum I have absolutely no problem with the correct scientific terms being used for the female reproductive organs for me and for my daughters. I refuse to euphemise them (although Oddler has euphemised “vulva” into “buddha“, but that’s okay she is only two!).  I think you may find many parents feel like me- a vagina, a vulva, a clitoris, the labia- parts of the body- nothing to be ashamed about and  we probably don’t appreciate being sworn at as part of a collective idea that all mums and dads are uncomfortable with the correct names of the genitals.  Many of us are quite comfortable with these terms, although I appreciate some are not but to be quite honest those parents need to get over themselves. IT IS A VAGINA- 51% of the worlds population has one. But that’s just something I felt the need to point out, as it made me cross, now I have to get my humourless feminist badge right? Please?

I can’t be the only mum in the world calling a vulva a vulva, a vagina a vagina, and a Spade, a diggywoowoo can I?

Yours Sincerely

LadyProudToOwnAVulvaButIDriveACorsaCurd

Dear Ladies with Curd


Dear Ladies with Curd,

Okay so my name inadvertently relates to Candida Albicans so I feel in an excellent position to discuss more about the issue of Ladies and their various curds at differing times of the month.

The reason I am writing this letter to you is because recently there has been a outpouring of rage towards Femfresh and their Woo Hoo for your Froo Froo Campaign.  I particularly liked @Glosswitch’s, @Stavvers @girlonthenet (1&2@CathyBussey and @allotmentmumresponses. This is also well worth a read about what the male equivalent wash might be!

Rather than repeat the same rants (which I wholeheartedly agree with), I feel a little bit of education is needed about LadyCurd. Well okay okay will stop calling it Curd incase it is putting you off your lemon curd on toast, your vanilla yoghurt, your organic houmous (ladies if the contents of your knickers are like any of the aforementioned foodstuffs then get thee to a doctor).

When trying to decide terminology other than “LadyCurd”,  @other_red helped me with the following brilliant suggestions: “lady liquids”,  “womanly waters”, “feminine fluids”, (and the especially brilliant late additions of “Cunt Custard” &”Gash Gravy”), all of which I love but think I shall stick with the non-alliterative yet scientific “vaginal fluid” (I could also call it “vaginal discharge” or “vaginal secretions” but personally I prefer vaginal fluid).

Now ladies, vaginal fluid is an entirely normal and natural state of affairs.  The amount and consistency of fluid your vagina (well more technically the cervix) produces will vary dependent on the time of the month. As a very rough guide:

Day 1-7ish Can be Blood as your womb lining is shed (your period), a brownish fluid (tale end of period) or a thicker milky fluid once bleeding has ceased.

Day 8-12ish  maybe dry or clear and watery

Day 13ish-16ish Thick “eggwhite” jelly like – this is a fertile mucus produced by the cervix, it is a sign your body is gearing up to ovulate. The last day you see this mucus is likely to be the day you ovulate.

Day 16ish-24ish often “wetter” at this point of the month- more clear and watery fluid

Day 24ish- 28ish Often a more thicker white slightly milky fluid in the build up to your next period.

Obviously your cycle maybe longer or shorter than this, and you may ovulate earlier or later than this, therefore the types of fluid your body produces may not follow this exact pattern but can help as a guide for what to expect. Remember things like how much exercise you do, how much sex you are having (and if it is using a condom or not), whether you use tampons or not, may affect your vaginal fluid quantity and consistency.

If the fluid your vagina is producing is strong smelling, itchy, yellow or green then this indicates an infection is most likely present and you will need to go to your doctor for treatment.

Common infections include:

Thrush – Candida Albicans- a yeast infection that produces a thick curd like yeasty smelling discharge

Bacteria Vaginosis- An overgrowth of bacteria- Produces fishy smelling greyish discharge.

Trichomonas Vaginalis- A parasitic infection- causing a green frothy foul smelling discharge (I learnt about this one at university- my lecturer used the exact phrase “green frothy foul smelling discharge” it kind of sticks in your head!)

Now why am I telling you all this in relation to Feminine Hygeine Products? CuntCleansers? Your reproductive tract is an amazing self cleansing organ, it naturally has a delicate balance of micro-organisms in it- this is entirely normal and healthy. Washing them away with soaps even ones specially designed for the vagina basically washes all the good bacteria away allowing the more harmful bacteria or yeast organisms to increase.   All your vagina needs is water and a clean hand. Using such products will potentially increase your infections which may make you feel unclean and want to wash more- by using such products you are creating a vicious cycle for yourself.

So ladies- please do the following:

Be aware of what fluids are normal and natural for your vagina, don’t take over the counter treatments for Thrush, Bacterial Vaginosis etc unless you are positive you have it (preferably with confirmation by a swab at the doctors) this is because any treatment- antibiotics or anti-fungals will then again affect the delicate balance of the Vaginal flora and it is not uncommon for women to ping pong between vaginal thrush and bacterial vaginosis as they over treat and use vaginal washes etc.

Wear cotton pants and give your undercarriage a good airing from time to time.

Wipe from front to back to avoid transferring fecal bacteria.

Don’t use vaginal douches.

Don’t use Femfresh, Lactacyd, Vagisil or any other ridiculous product designed for your fanjo.

Do all this and you too can have a “Happy Vagina”, “A Merry MaryLou”, “A Footloose Foof”, “A Gleeful Gash” (With thanks to @other_red for those suggestions!) and that truly is “Woo Hoo for your Frou Foo“. NOTHING ELSE.

Lots of love

LadyNoLongerCurdySinceIFollowedMyOwnAdviceCurd

P.S This post is based from knowledge in my head because being LadyCurd I am dead interested in LadyCurd, but I ain’t a medical professional and this letter does not constitute medical advice. Any concerns about your own LadyCurd Please please see your GP.

P.P.S If you ever read on an internet site that a home remedy for thrush is to insert a garlic clove wrapped in a muslin- for the love of your vagina- DON’T DO IT. All that will happen is you will have a Garlicky Gash for weeks and weeks afterwards. It will be most unpleasant. Not that I am the voice of experience on that one or anything. Ahem.

Not quite what I meant by Normal Fanjo Flora

Dear Vagina


Dear Vagina,

As usual I am writing to the female anatomy. One might think I was obsessed or something (see here for Breasts, Vulva, Cervix, Uterus, Pelvic Floor as well as musings on gendered genital related insults).

On Friday a female politician was banned for saying “vagina” in an abortion bill debate, this has been dubbed #Vaginagate, so I suppose technically I should have called this letter #VaginaGate but the phrase has been making me giggle as I imagined a gate over the entrance to the vagina, preventing anyone from getting in or anything from getting out (unless full term) although I suppose given the subject matter, this is strangely appropriate.

One of the Republican politicians present Mike Callton said he found the word “so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.” This is a moron man holding a bachelors degree in biology- Eh!?

Since the news broke I have been reading some fabulous responses to it:

The simply brilliant Glosswitch wrote my favourite post ever on this whole affair- “Total Cunt Avoidance- we have the technology!

SonyaCisco made me laugh out loud with A nice day at the Orifice

Lisa Brown (The politician in question) has written her Vagina Monologue and will be reading it in Michigan with Eve Ensler

Naomi McAuliffe wrote that Vaginas aren’t dirty- even in Michigan

Sarah Ditum wrote Why right-wingers shouldn’t stop women saying “vagina”

So there isn’t much more for me to say other than-Dear Vagina -You are not a dirty word, you are not an offensive word, you are a lovely scientific word to describe the birth canal, you are often inappropriately used to describe the vulva, but I’m working on correcting that. I could wax lyrical for hours about the vagina but it’s getting late and LordCurd wants to go to bed so I need to get of the computer. So I shall end with Vaginas are completely amazing and wonderful and I am shortly going to be writing a very detailed informative letter to women about vaginal secretions (LadyCurd by name, LadyCurd by nature). So watch this space (oh and I will totally publish that next letter while you are eating your breakfast. Preferably yoghurt.)

Lots of muscular tubal love

LadyVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINA
VAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINACurd

P.S. If you read the gendered insults posts you will see I have a strong dislike of the word “Cunt” but I realised in those letters I did not make an important distinction, the word is absolutely foul and horrible as an insult, and I virtually never use it in such a way, because what it effectively says is “Cunts (ie. Vaginas) are disgusting scum of the earth, lowest of low, vilest of vile”. However I am also inclined to agree with the person the lovely @SarahDitum wrote about in this article “During sex I’ll accept ‘pussy’ but my preference is ‘cunt’.” I have no problem at all with actual vaginas being called cunts, after all “Vagina” doesn’t really “roll off the tongue” in the heat of the moment now does it. ;)

Dear Procrastination


Dear Procrastination,

Today I am supposed to be working my socks off preparing for a big days work next week. Instead I thought I would write to you so I started this letter, but then I got distracted by FeedTheHead (for which I blame @prettylpeculiar).

So basically there is no hope for me is there?

Love

LadyDitheringAndDallyingandnotgettinganyworkdoneCurd

P.S DON’T CLICK ON THE FEEDTHEHEAD LINK OR THIS ONE. FOR THE LOVE OF CURD, SAVE YOURSELVES.

Dear International Spy Oddler


Dear International Spy Oddler,

I am so excited you appear to be taking after your Grandfather (International Spy Dad).

 

Good at attempting to escape solitary confinement

Handy with weapons.

Always on phone sorting assignments.


Master of Disguise

and finally…..

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“I shall say dis onlee once”

I can’t wait to see you grow up to be the most amazing feminist Bond the world has ever seen.

Lots of Love

MummyPleaseRescueMe&TheRestOfTheCurdsIfWW3StartsCurd

P.S Currently you are staring in “OddlerCurd the Girl with The Golden Dummy” but hopefully tonight we have managed to get to to sleep without it. SpyGirls don’t have Dummies.

Dear The Queen


Dear The Queen,

You maybe wondering why I am using the clunky “Dear The Queen” instead of “Dear Queen” well this is to differentiate your letter from a letter to Freddie Mercury , Brian May and the “other two that no-one remembers their names”, members of one of the greatest rock bands in the world.

A rambling aside:

“You know how at weddings it maybe customary in some circles to toast the queen? At our wedding LordCurd toasted “Queen” the band. A few of the Grandmas disapproved but for the rest of our guests I’m sure “Queen” got a much more rousing cheer than “The Queen” would have done.

Oh and our girls nearly had May as a middle name but with a “Silent Brian”, so we would have had Oddler/Omble Brian May Curd, except they ended up with better middle names instead. Which is a shame but we are hoping for a boy next time- Alfred Mercury Curd will be a brilliant name, although LordCurd is also favouring Alfred Aurelius Bombastos Curd so we shall see”

Sorry Dear “The Queen” I am digressing too much- this is all material for a “Dear Queen” letter but always like to get two for the price of one.

Anyhow onto you. Did you know one of my first ever piece of published writing was about you? Our local paper used to pay £5 per published letter from precocious middle class kids with pushy parents. I cottoned onto this as a lucrative income stream and wrote many letters and had quite a few published. One letter was entitled “Why the monarchy no longer has a place in our society” – I was about 9 at the time. What was funny is that it then spewed a heap of debate on the adults letter pages with some adults angry at how my irresponsible parents had clearly warped me with their republican views (although given my brother is very pro the monarchy that can’t be true).  Other readers responding  saying “if a nine year old can see how it is- why can’t you”, Brilliant!*

21 years later, despite being of Titled Gentry myself (even if it is only of Lemon Curd), my views are still the same, I don’t think anyone would be in a position of power simply by virtue of their birth although let’s face it you you might be Head of State, but since we live in a democracy, you don’t wield all that much power thankfully.

To be quite honest I am fed up with all this Jubilee nonsense.  Obviously a 60 year anniversary of anything is rather nice. (My Grandparents were married for 65 years in the end- you sent them a card for their 50th and 60th and 65th wedding anniversaries. As they rather liked you they were very chuffed-so thanks!) but do we really have to celebrate as a nation? I mean lets face it the government is shit and stuff going on in the world is shit. All they are desperately trying to do is cheer us up a bit  to try and distract us from how shit they are and how shit it all is hence trying to make us buy into all the “jubilypmpic” fever. But really couldn’t you just have a quiet celebratory do with your family or something? I won’t be celebrating anything this weekend other than having LordCurd around for 4 days to help out with the kids is rather nice- so I suppose I will grudgingly say thankyou for that.

Anyhow thought I would also write and offer to take your place if you ever needed me too, this may surprise you given my rantings about you- however it’s because I realise I have the arm for it. You see in this weeks Private Eye- there were these pictures:

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and when I was 13ish I went on a French Exchange and when I got the pictures back- Look!:

In every picture I am doing the Queen’s wave- Spooky! And given that I am not born nobility (apart from being a Lady but that is obviously an assumed title rather than hereditary so it doesn’t count) , then I totally reckon you should let me stand in for you now and again, it would show you were “one of us”, by letting one of us be one of you. Or something.

Also technically since you probably had to learn that wave whereas I clearly have a natural talent for it, then technically I have considerably  more queenlike skillz than yow, and in a QueenOffTM**  I would totally win.

In fact I reckon a QueenOffTM  is the way forward- we can stick with the whole Monarchy Bullshit only if people who have the best skills for the job become monarchs.  We could do a “Monarchy’s got TalentTM ” or “Royalty FactorTM “- that way the tourist revenue streams from having you exist would still be secured but  without any of this “by virtue of birth” nonsense.

What dya reckon?

Lots of Love (but no Curtsey)

LadyOffWithHerHeadCurd

P.S When I am inevitably awarded an OBE for my services to spending too long on the internet I will be refusing it. I assume this is why you haven’t awarded it yet.

*P.P.S I have just spent the morning routing through my memory boxes to see if I could find said letter to the local paper but sadly not, but it will be at my Mum’s somewhere- one day I will find it, scan it in and upload it here.

**P.P.P.S LordCurd knows his trademark law- I haven’t asked his legal advice yet but I am totally trademarking  QueenOffTM , Monarchy’s got TalentTM ” and “Royalty FactorTM just in case Simon Cowell thinks it is a genius idea and wants to buy the rights from me!