Category Archives: Things I Hate

Dear MP- re. the fraudulent EU referendum


Below is a version of a letter I just sent to my MP about the referendum. You can find out who your MP is here. Feel free to copy/adapt/share and send into your own MP. A very narrow majority in a referendum that should never have been had in the first place and was completely based on lies (from both sides) cannot be what ultimately causes our awesome country to end up in a much worse position than it was before!
Dear MP,
In a democracy we have protection from broken campaign promises by being able to vote out any such liars at the next election. However our protection from broken promises does not apply in the case of a decision to leave the EU as it is an irrevocable decision.
In the days since the EU referendum result emerged it has also emerged that:
1) There is no real intention to leave the single market therefore we will be bound by many of the same EU regulations we are already but a removed ability to have say in how EU regulations are developed.
2) Remaining in the single market means immigration could never be capped or controlled in the way the Leave campaign led people to believe it could be, people have been lied too and voted on the basis of a lie.
3) There is no intention to support the NHS with better funding with money saved from the EU. Again many people voted thinking by voting leave they were saving the NHS.
The EU referendum campaign was built on lies and the British public voted on the basis of those lies. However this is not a decision we can vote again to change in 5 years. These lies are outrageous and the outcome is something that will have far reaching consequences to the huge detriment of the United Kingdom. The referendum result needs to be anulled on the basis of these lies.
We now also have seen the immediate terrible impact the non-binding referendum result has had on the British economy and can expect future serious turmoil to the economy while these plans are set in motion. This was not fully anticipated by many voters and as you know many leave voters are now regretting their decision.
I strongly believe we either need to repeat the referendum with a promise of a strong majority of at least 60% with 75% turnout (as the petition to be debated in parliament) before any decision sets the wheels in motion on a decision that cannot be changed. Or as elected MP’s it is for the Houses of Parliament to decide the results of the referendum are null and void given the exceptionally narrow majority and given it was a campaign based on lies. This option is preferable rather than put the public through the stress of another referendum. This particular referendum should never have been offered in the first place, and only was offered based on back room political wranglings rather than a genuine desire to give the British people a say.
I would like to urgently hear your thoughts on this matter.
Many thanks

Dear Dad, Margaret Thatcher has died.


Dear Dad,

Just to let you know Margaret Thatcher died. I don’t believe in heaven or hell but if you do happen to bump into her in the afterlife, I’m sure you would be kind due to her dementia even though I know how much you utterly hated the woman and the devastation she wrought on the mining community you hailed from. Your dad was a miner but died before she came into power- I think you were glad of he never got to see what happened to the village you grew up in.

I don’t think it’s nice to crow over someones death, I’d be sad if anyone was happy you died, even if you did have a knack of deliberately rubbing people up the wrong way sometimes.

I’m not happy she died, if anything her dying has bought my own grief for you up. She was always in the periphery of my childhood and so I remember happier but hard and worrying times in the eighties growing up. I remember being very scared when the Falkland war started as I was convinced I’d have to be an evacuee, and we were about to get bombed! This was despite the fact we lived in rural Midlands.  My primary school history lessons clearly had some kind of an impact.

I also remember we all knew she stole our milk but then I never really understood that one- we had to pay 10p for a carton of slightly warm milk or a glass of apple juice at breaktime and when in year6 me and a few other girls were made milk monitors and were allowed a free drink for our troubles- except we kept nicking more and more milk and juice and the profits went down.  Given I also wanted to be the next woman prime minister in Y6 maybe she had had more of an impact on me than I thought….

I don’t really remember joining you in solidarity on the miners strikes but I still have the picture from then (and you assure me I met and charmed Arthur Scargill aged three or four!). We still have the jigsaw somewhere made from this picture that mum got from saving up coupons from marmite jars. She would never let us actually do the jigsaw incase we lost a piece. It was recording history!

Anyhow. You’ve gone, She’s gone, Joe’s gone, Both sets of Grandma and Grandpa’s have gone, Becci’s gone, Sam next door went yesterday, one day we will all be gone, ashes to ashes and all that.

Death- bit shit really.

Miss you dad.

LadyC

Dear PMT


Dear PMT,
Can say as I’ve missed you in the year and a half of being pregnant and breastfeeding and before that you only re-emerged a few times post being pregnant and breastfeeding so I have mostly had over 3years of being PMT free.

I definitely don’t suffer as badly as some women I know, and I know how lucky I am to have had no major issues with PMT or periods or depression in general, but today I am weepy. Weepy for my dad, weepy for death, weepy for my girls being so awesome and growing up so fast, weepy for LordCurd coming to give me a cuddle to cheer me up. I know this will pass in a day or so I will be absolutely fine again, but today I am going to indulge me and my hormones and just weep as I need too.

Pass the tissues.

LadyCurd

P.S if you have any tips on how to vanquish you then do pass them my way. Ta.

Dear Angst Bombs


Dear Angst Bombs,

An Angst Bomb dropped last week.

On my head.

Normally I let the worries of the world wash over me, having a relentlessly cheerful “Twill all be fine” attitude.  Remaining upbeat and positive even when things are pretty shitty is actually something I pride myself on and has got me through some pretty tough times. Maybe before I just selectively ignored what was going on?

Last week I found myself utterly overwhelmed by the world.  I was filled with helpless rage and relentless worry, so much so I had to take a break from my twitter timeline (although admittedly I still tweeted and replied to @mentions) and all other forms of news as I just could not take any more.

Some of the things that worried me (and are still worrying me) about the world are-

  • Abortion rights in a world where some men claim your body can stop you from getting pregnant if its a “legitimate rape”.
  • The complete lack of understanding that a terrifying amount of people have about what consent actually is and rape or sexual assault are.
  • The debt, the cuts, unemployment, the rich getting richer the poor getting poorer. The prospect of Europe going bust.
  • The increasing inequalities in this country faced by women, children and young people, anyone non white, anyone non heterosexual for the benefit of the white heterosexual rich man.
  • The dismantling of our NHS
  • The powers that be shitting all over education and our young people.
  • Climate Change and food shortages.
  • War, famine, disease, greed, evil etc.
  • The ever increasing cost of living
  • The arseholes running our country- wiping themselves all over us and then flushing us down the pan.
  • All this that my daughters have to look forward to and grow up in. I don’t want this world for them. I want a better one.

It all came to a head when I found myself shrieking to LordCurd “and the potatoes- the poor potatoes!”, as my angst levels reached a new height when reading about how the potato blight had affected the farmers supplying our veg box due to this terrible summer.   He has been taking the piss ever since, and I realised I needed to take a break from the world (including my veg box leaflet) and not get all consumed by my rage and my panic at what is going on in the world as otherwise I will be rendered utterly incapable of doing anything about it.

I want positive change, I want things to stop feeling so futile, I want to stop feeling so angry but I also feel incredibly helpless about how to achieve any of that and worry about burn out if I don’t learn how to defuse these angst bombs so I can keep on raging and not end up with angst fatigue which renders me incapable anyway.

So if you could send the de-fusion blueprint to assist with this current situation that would be marvellous. Alternatively if we could harness the energy of my angst bombs to make green energy for all, and the resultant Nobel prize I would obviously get awarded would assist in me easily being elected to president of the world, whereupon I would immediately sort all the shit out and make it a better place for all. That would be lovely.

Thanks.

LadyTickingAngstBombCurd

P.S I realise my list makes me sound a bit of a twat- I probably should have included did also worry about what I was cooking for tea, why Oddler keeps biting me, how much Peppa Pig is too much Peppa Pig, whether we have nits again, whether Omble had a form of epilepsy as she seems vacant sometimes and has virtually no fontanelle and a funny shaped skull!? Whether my tooth was going to fall out due to gum issue caused by tongue piercing, and so on and so on and many other day to day worries that comes with living a life….

Dear Mad Seagull Lady


Dear Mad Seagull Lady,

We know you hate Seagulls but I think it is a touch paranoid to think your daughter has been possessed by them.

20120630-175610.jpg

She was only pretending a banana skin was a seagull, it actually shows clever imaginative play rather than possession.

Keep on hating the seagulls though, just try and be less paranoid.

Love
LadyAlterEgoOfMadSeagullLadyThusPossiblyMultiplePersonalityDisorderOnTopOfTheDelusionalParanoiarunsinthefamilyCurd

Dear Femfresh


Dear Femfresh,

Have to say initially I laughed out loud reading this response to the facebook backlash to your product via @crazycolours. It took me an embarrasingly long time to realise this was a spoof response penned by the incredibly talented @Hollybrocks. Interesting to note that your Facebook page is currently AWOL.

So yeah even though this poetic response is not real I felt like responding as if it is because it’s either that or work on my job applications, so I am going to pretend to be “Offended of Roman Spa Town” and respond as a disgruntled feminist parent (however in my usual double standard way I am not going to berate for the use of the more offensive terms for the female genitals as I have come to the conclusion I have no problem with slang for body parts, I have a problem when that slang is used to describe things other than female genitals, which in this case it wasn’t.)

Being a “Wannabe Humourless Feminist” (Glosswitch beat me to it), I have decided to take issue with the response as it completely neglects to  address the fact that the product is actually irrelevant and unnecessary for vaginal health as I outlined here yesterday.  But I suppose that would be an even worse marketing campaign than Woo Hoo for your Frou Frou,  to point out that the product is utterly pointless and actually does more harm than good, so I expect that is why the spoofer (@HollyBrocks– brilliant superb amazing job) also omitted that crucial part to the response. (I wonder how Femfresh will actually ultimately respond- so far they have now responded by taking down the Facebook page!)

Being a wannabe humourless feminist mother, I did decide to take exception to part of the rhyme though. “Fuck mums and dads“- as I am a mum and I have written extensively about naming of genitals (here, here, here).  As a mum I have absolutely no problem with the correct scientific terms being used for the female reproductive organs for me and for my daughters. I refuse to euphemise them (although Oddler has euphemised “vulva” into “buddha“, but that’s okay she is only two!).  I think you may find many parents feel like me- a vagina, a vulva, a clitoris, the labia- parts of the body- nothing to be ashamed about and  we probably don’t appreciate being sworn at as part of a collective idea that all mums and dads are uncomfortable with the correct names of the genitals.  Many of us are quite comfortable with these terms, although I appreciate some are not but to be quite honest those parents need to get over themselves. IT IS A VAGINA- 51% of the worlds population has one. But that’s just something I felt the need to point out, as it made me cross, now I have to get my humourless feminist badge right? Please?

I can’t be the only mum in the world calling a vulva a vulva, a vagina a vagina, and a Spade, a diggywoowoo can I?

Yours Sincerely

LadyProudToOwnAVulvaButIDriveACorsaCurd

Dear Ladies with Curd


Dear Ladies with Curd,

Okay so my name inadvertently relates to Candida Albicans so I feel in an excellent position to discuss more about the issue of Ladies and their various curds at differing times of the month.

The reason I am writing this letter to you is because recently there has been a outpouring of rage towards Femfresh and their Woo Hoo for your Froo Froo Campaign.  I particularly liked @Glosswitch’s, @Stavvers @girlonthenet (1&2@CathyBussey and @allotmentmumresponses. This is also well worth a read about what the male equivalent wash might be!

Rather than repeat the same rants (which I wholeheartedly agree with), I feel a little bit of education is needed about LadyCurd. Well okay okay will stop calling it Curd incase it is putting you off your lemon curd on toast, your vanilla yoghurt, your organic houmous (ladies if the contents of your knickers are like any of the aforementioned foodstuffs then get thee to a doctor).

When trying to decide terminology other than “LadyCurd”,  @other_red helped me with the following brilliant suggestions: “lady liquids”,  “womanly waters”, “feminine fluids”, (and the especially brilliant late additions of “Cunt Custard” &”Gash Gravy”), all of which I love but think I shall stick with the non-alliterative yet scientific “vaginal fluid” (I could also call it “vaginal discharge” or “vaginal secretions” but personally I prefer vaginal fluid).

Now ladies, vaginal fluid is an entirely normal and natural state of affairs.  The amount and consistency of fluid your vagina (well more technically the cervix) produces will vary dependent on the time of the month. As a very rough guide:

Day 1-7ish Can be Blood as your womb lining is shed (your period), a brownish fluid (tale end of period) or a thicker milky fluid once bleeding has ceased.

Day 8-12ish  maybe dry or clear and watery

Day 13ish-16ish Thick “eggwhite” jelly like – this is a fertile mucus produced by the cervix, it is a sign your body is gearing up to ovulate. The last day you see this mucus is likely to be the day you ovulate.

Day 16ish-24ish often “wetter” at this point of the month- more clear and watery fluid

Day 24ish- 28ish Often a more thicker white slightly milky fluid in the build up to your next period.

Obviously your cycle maybe longer or shorter than this, and you may ovulate earlier or later than this, therefore the types of fluid your body produces may not follow this exact pattern but can help as a guide for what to expect. Remember things like how much exercise you do, how much sex you are having (and if it is using a condom or not), whether you use tampons or not, may affect your vaginal fluid quantity and consistency.

If the fluid your vagina is producing is strong smelling, itchy, yellow or green then this indicates an infection is most likely present and you will need to go to your doctor for treatment.

Common infections include:

Thrush – Candida Albicans– a yeast infection that produces a thick curd like yeasty smelling discharge

Bacteria Vaginosis– An overgrowth of bacteria- Produces fishy smelling greyish discharge.

Trichomonas Vaginalis– A parasitic infection- causing a green frothy foul smelling discharge (I learnt about this one at university- my lecturer used the exact phrase “green frothy foul smelling discharge” it kind of sticks in your head!)

Now why am I telling you all this in relation to Feminine Hygeine Products? CuntCleansers? Your reproductive tract is an amazing self cleansing organ, it naturally has a delicate balance of micro-organisms in it- this is entirely normal and healthy. Washing them away with soaps even ones specially designed for the vagina basically washes all the good bacteria away allowing the more harmful bacteria or yeast organisms to increase.   All your vagina needs is water and a clean hand. Using such products will potentially increase your infections which may make you feel unclean and want to wash more- by using such products you are creating a vicious cycle for yourself.

So ladies- please do the following:

Be aware of what fluids are normal and natural for your vagina, don’t take over the counter treatments for Thrush, Bacterial Vaginosis etc unless you are positive you have it (preferably with confirmation by a swab at the doctors) this is because any treatment- antibiotics or anti-fungals will then again affect the delicate balance of the Vaginal flora and it is not uncommon for women to ping pong between vaginal thrush and bacterial vaginosis as they over treat and use vaginal washes etc.

Wear cotton pants and give your undercarriage a good airing from time to time.

Wipe from front to back to avoid transferring fecal bacteria.

Don’t use vaginal douches.

Don’t use Femfresh, Lactacyd, Vagisil or any other ridiculous product designed for your fanjo.

Do all this and you too can have a “Happy Vagina”, “A Merry MaryLou”, “A Footloose Foof”, “A Gleeful Gash” (With thanks to @other_red for those suggestions!) and that truly is “Woo Hoo for your Frou Foo“. NOTHING ELSE.

Lots of love

LadyNoLongerCurdySinceIFollowedMyOwnAdviceCurd

P.S This post is based from knowledge in my head because being LadyCurd I am dead interested in LadyCurd, but I ain’t a medical professional and this letter does not constitute medical advice. Any concerns about your own LadyCurd Please please see your GP.

P.P.S If you ever read on an internet site that a home remedy for thrush is to insert a garlic clove wrapped in a muslin- for the love of your vagina- DON’T DO IT. All that will happen is you will have a Garlicky Gash for weeks and weeks afterwards. It will be most unpleasant. Not that I am the voice of experience on that one or anything. Ahem.

Not quite what I meant by Normal Fanjo Flora